A New Life

Serendipity and the art of manifesting what you want

2012-01-04T23:43:00.000-05:00

I have been practicing the art of manifesting lately, putting it out in the universe what I want or need. A majority of thoughts are in reference to my professional life; I need some new clients to help pay for additional training I am going through, I need to find a particular business person, I'm curious about new avenues for my coaching. People just show up and seem to fit the bill. It's uncanny.
Today was a good example of that. I co-lead a networking group for women and we normally meet at the chamber of commerce. They just moved into a new location and the conference room isn't available yet. We're 10 days away from the next meeting and no place to meet yet. I had confidence something would come up and it did...
I was at the local cafe meeting with a group of women (a different networking group) and a woman sat down at an adjacent table. She looked very familiar. After our meeting was over I got up to leave and the woman stood up to greet me. She said, "I know you from somewhere, I am Reverend Janet." I immediately placed her as the officiant at my daughter's friend's wedding 7 months ago and I had been wanting to reach out to her about my coaching to see if we could work together in some way.
She had observed our group and was excited to see genuine networking in action. It turns out not only does Rev. Janet want to start a women's networking group for non-profits and service providers, but her church has a large meeting room. I asked if my group could use it next week and she said yes.
I told her about my coaching business, which is going in the direction of facilitating workshops and giving presentations to groups of parents and professionals. Rev Janet and I are going to meet for coffee soon. New avenues are percolating as we speak.
Hallelujiah!

What are your dreams and goals? What are you consciously "asking for" from the universe?

Enjoying the Holidays on the Road

2011-12-07T17:57:00.002-05:00

"What will your children remember? Moments spent listening, talking, playing and sharing together may be the most important times of all."

-- Gloria Gaither

Our youngest daughter went to college in Fredericksburg, VA, over 300 miles from home. It’s a beautiful town, full of character and history, which is right up my husband’s alley. Steve loved to see the town all lit up in its festive glory for the holiday season. It became a tradition to go down to VA together a day early when we picked Melissa up for Christmas break. We would stay at the Kenmore Inn, a historic old mansion that offered a comfortable home base for our exploring.

When Melissa graduated from college and we no longer had the excuse to go to Fredericksburg, it was a little bittersweet. So now that she is married and living in Alexandria, we decided to go visit her and Christopher and plan a day trip to Fredericksburg. I think the kids were more excited to see the changes to the college campus, though jumping in and out of the shops on Main St. was fun too. We found some great gifts for family members and had a wonderful lunch in the local pub.

Ironically, we watched the town’s Main St transform into the bustling sideshow for their Christmas Parade, and stores closed early to enjoy the event. We could have had front row seats, but we chose to get out of town before the traffic turned into a bottleneck. We didn’t get to the James Monroe Museum or the Apothecary where my daughter used to work in her 1780’s costume, but we had fun, and enjoyed sharing our favorite stores, gift ideas and spending time with each other.

The next day we explored Old Towne Alexandria, which is about 10 times the size of downtown Fredericksburg and has even more to offer. I see the tradition transforming before our eyes!

What family moments do you remember that you can repeat? What tradition do you want to resurrect? Or what new tradition would you like to start for the next generation? The sky’s the limit.

The agony, the ecstasy and the irony

2011-08-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

It's August 3rd and we're more than half way through the summer. It's been a real hot one for the record. Living in CT about 10 miles from the shore, we are somewhat protected from the worst heat, though not near any on-shore breezes.

My husband and I bought an old farm house about 5 years ago. This house was built in 1795! (George Washington was still President!) The previous owners, the last of a 200-year line of their family to live in the house, had stripped it down and rebuilt it with new windows, sheet rock, and master bedroom, but not the modern convenience of air conditioning!

I'm Irish, I can't stand extreme heat or cold. And I work from home, no respite in an employer's AC. Window AC units were no longer considered a viable option- my husband refused to do it anymore! So we've talked about getting some sort of central AC for a while. (All the kids are married and college paid for so now it's our turn to enjoy life.) It became one of my priorities, not to mention it adds mega value to our house.

It was all talk until Steve discovered the concept of ductless air conditioning- you install a unit on your wall and it connects through the wall to the actual machine outside. No giant ducts cut through your closets, a much more affordable price too. I found a local company who could do the work at a price we were willing to pay (Brainard's in Shelton, CT). By the time we made the commitment there were delays due to vacations, waiting for parts, staffing, and it finally got installed yesterday (our wedding anniversary- how appropriate!) Long story short, we now have AC units in 4 separate zones of the house.

Agony and Ecstacy are covered, right?

Now for the irony. We no sooner had it all working and a cool front has moved in. The whole week we might see high 70's to low 80's. It was 61 degrees last night and my husband was thrilled to have all the windows of the house open wide.

My bank account will be happier due to the electric bill savings, but I don't get to play with and enjoy my new toy!
I'm sure a heat wave will find it's way to CT soon enough. Then I will be mighty glad to have knocked this off my wish list.

Journey to Happiness Part 3 Indentifying and Overcoming your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck

2011-07-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

Limiting Beliefs are hidden or not-so-hidden beliefs that you have that may not necessarily be true. They are a reflection of our inner-selves or our inner saboteurs that keep our lives "safe" and small. For instance, if a person believes (or fears) that all dogs will bite them or men don't know how to care for an infant, they will act accordingly and shrink in fear from all dogs and treat men like they don't know what they are doing with their own child.

I've talked to several parents recently who feel stuck in their roles of mom/dad, spouse, career person, housekeeper, nursemaid, etc. Their limiting beliefs include such things as:
They shouldn't complain because they have so much.
They shouldn't ask for help or question their duty as parent, spouse, career person and homeowner.
If they talk to someone about it they might be considered weak or ungrateful.

Other common limiting beliefs that have nothing to do with your role, your job, or your wealth include:
I'm not good enough.
If I let up the slightest I will lose my job.
If I have a conversation it will end up in a fight.
I don't know how to X,Y,Z and it's too hard to learn.

A comment I hear from many clients is about their fear of failure or fear of rejection. This may show up as doing your job in a "safe" manner or over-indulging those we fear losing. I mention this because these fears are much more common than people tend to admit. They stem from childhood, past or current jobs or romances, whatever!

When we are controlled by our limiting beliefs, we tend to live smaller. We don't try new things or stretch beyond our comfort zone. Faced with fear, we react in an dis-empowered way because we are SURE that the worst will happen. We become stuck in our smaller world, convinced that this is better than making waves or trying something different.

So the next question is, "How do I get out from under these limiting beliefs?"
My first response could be, "Hire Me!" I recently worked with a new client for 6 hours over 2 weeks and he was literally a new person when we were done. He really did a great job, hanging in there as I helped him challenge or re-frame all the limiting thoughts he had. By the end he had distanced himself from his original concerns and beliefs so much that he didn't even consider them relevant anymore.

Choice number two would be to start by wanting to be open to thinking differently, then go through these few steps.
1. Name the limiting belief: (If you're not sure you have one, ask yourself what you are SURE will always happen, will NEVER happen, or look for a place that you are always stuck.) Example: I don't have enough time to do X,Y,Z.
2. Create a positive belief from a negative one and test it out: (I would prefer to believe that) I DO have time for X,Y,Z. I will find ways to enjoy X,Y,Z.
3. Write out ways that you can make it possible or test out your positive belief with logic and trial and error. The key to getting around limiting beliefs is to question them; not in an angry and defiant way, but in a curious way that allows for other options.

I had a client who had a major fear of being in NYC after 9/11. "It's not safe to be there." That fear limited his life in many ways- fun, career options, friends. When he found himself in NY for a very important meeting, he tested his limiting belief and was able to say, "Millions of people are safe in NYC every day, my fear is trying to keep me safe but it's OK, I am safe." He was able to relax and be his confident self. Little by little he will test the merit of the limiting belief until it doesn't even pop up anymore.

Bottom line, live more consciously and don't believe everything you think! Become aware of your limiting thoughts and challenge them. If you are hearing "Can't, shouldn't, or have to," or wonder, "Why did I do that?" then it is time to figure out what is driving your actions.

As always, I am here to help. Monica@NewStepsLifeCoaching.com

Journey to Happiness Part 2 Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected area

2011-06-01T23:16:00.000-04:00

Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected areas of your life

I created the title for this blog as part of a series on the journey to happiness. If you focus on neglected areas of your life and raise them up to a higher standard, will your life be better off?

I could give a short list of neglected areas in my life and then see what happens if I pay more attention to them.
Here is my short list: exercise, cooking healthy meals, writing consistently, cleaning out clutter/closets, finish projects.
If I were to prioritize, I'd say the way I am feeling right now, I need exercise more than anything else.

Exercise, a severely neglected area of my life. I am feeling very overweight (I'm at my highest weight ever), and very frustrated with myself. I know better. I was a phys ed major, have always been active, and have let the typical "I don't have time" excuse get in my way.
What would be some things I could do to get more exercise?
Join a Zumba class
Go to the gym regularly (I have a paid membership and haven't attended since last October when they fired my favorite Pilates instructor- which only hurts me and not them!)
Take walks around the neighborhood or on local trails
Take another type of class- Tai Chi, Yoga, etc.
Exercise at home with or without video instruction.
Follow my Dancing With the Stars DVD's and Dance myself to good health (I've done a few times lately but not consistently)

That's a pretty good list. And I know me, I am more likely to do something in my house than if I have to go elsewhere.DVD's and my step box will do just fine.
And how much time is enough time? Science says anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes per day. I would venture to say 3 hours per week would be a good benchmark to start so that is my goal.
How will I keep track of my progress? A good old-fashioned chart on the fridge works best for me- no complicated computer programs. I need something I can see as I reach for the ice cream!

So, now I have identified a neglected area, prioritized the one that means the most to me right now, brainstormed a list of possible solutions, picked a few that have the most likihood of success, and set a SMART goal.

I will spend 3 hours per week doing some sort of exercise using my DVDs and step box.
AND I will chart my progress for everyone to see (especially myself!)

So, now it's your turn. What areas of your life are getting neglected? How does that make you feel and what are you willing to do about it?

Let me know!
Happy June,
Monica

2011-05-23T10:57:00.001-04:00

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Journey to Happiness Part 1 Personal Awareness

2011-04-20T11:28:00.000-04:00

I was going through my folder of "ideas" for a blog topic and I found this:
Explore 6 Steps to a Happier Life
Personal Awareness: Values, Goals, and Life Patterns
Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected area
Adjusting your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
Time Management Tools to Find the Missing Time!
Stress Busters that fit into your lifestyle
Relationship tools to bring more positive energy into your life

These 6 topics really sum up everything I have been doing as a coach and on my own personal journey for the last 3 years. I'll start with step one and create a blog for each.

Personal Awareness of values, goals and life patterns

I am turning 54 soon and I have to say, until I began my coaching courses in 2006, I don't think I ever really thought about my values, I had a poor record for setting or achieving goals, and I had no idea what pattern my life was following. Since I took my courses and have had a coach to help me focus on some of these things, I have spent more time and effort to really look at what they mean to me and then do something about them.

So what do I value? The list is long so I will limit it to two.
I value family and close relationships above all else. I haven't always been the best at relationships and I am consciously working on rectifying that. I feel I am closer to being able to authentically relate to people the way I want to with almost all the people in my life. I was coaching a woman and her business partner recently and I could see how much they were struggling to be honest with each other without hurting each other's feelings. Sometimes we don't like to hear what others are trying to tell us. And sometimes we don't know how to tell someone what is bothering us. But if we don't speak up or don't ask, we are living our lives on the surface instead of going deep and being real. Now I am finding ways to feed my relationships with positive, nurturing dialogue and actions that help me feel proactive and bring my relationships to a new level of connection or friendship or closeness that I didn't always have.

Another strong value I have is becoming a successful business owner. I love my work as a life and relationship coach. I feel so happy when my clients move into action around an issue that is important to them or have AHA moments that are transformational. At first I spent a lot of time in my little world and hoped people would find me. Now I am actively reaching out and putting myself in situations that allow me to share my passion and connect with potential clients. If I believe in what I do, then I MUST reach out to help others. Otherwise I am doing the world a disservice.

A life pattern I gradually identified through my own coaching process was the fact that I shrunk in the face of fear. Most people lack confidence in some area of their life, and I consistently sold myself short in anything related to my schooling and career, from the time I was a teenager. Applying for colleges at the last minute, NOT applying to schools that would require major travel or cost more money, Not taking a licensing exam after 3 years of studying to be an Athletic Trainer. I do give myself credit for going away to school and paying for it myself (no money when there were 10 kids in our family!) I got a degree in Physical Education but changed my career path after I graduated. I got married and had kids right away!
To some extent I have broken the pattern and I am facing my fears and doing things anyway. I am so excited and passionate about coaching that a new pattern has become problematic- I jump from idea to idea and lack some follow-through. It's actually not a new pattern, but my awareness is getting keener.
That's what change is all about: becoming aware, acknowledging what I am doing and what is not working, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, then accessing my choices to move out of my rut and taking action toward the change I want.
Whew! That's a mouthful. My colleague Anna Cole and I call it the 5 A Change Process.
More on that later.
If you would like to join Anna and I for a "Building Lasting Relationships" teleclass please go to my website for more information. www.newstepslifecoaching.com/workshops_and_teleclasses

Have a happy and aware day.

Confession of the Soul, Learn to Apologize

2011-03-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years, "You know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I became. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize."

In the past I hated apologizing. I could hear myself say that I should apologize but something always stopped me. I struggled with the words and the feelings that led up to saying them. It meant you had to acknowledge wrongdoing, which I normally ran away from. I could blame it all on my parents- they never apologized either. But I will own this personality defect. I’m a grown woman and now I know better. I am encouraged to know that all the courses I’ve taken in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person.

I studied relationships because my selfish stubbornness ruined a very important relationship in my life. You could say I learned the hard way that no matter whether you are right or wrong it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you make a person feel. Accepting that another person was hurt in the crossfire and apologizing for your part in it, is much more important in the long run.

Now that I’ve practiced it a few times, I know that apologizing isn’t putting a giant target on your chest and saying, “I’m a bad girl.” It’s admitting that you messed up, you didn’t do the best job at something and you’re not perfect. The reality is, no one is perfect. If you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings it is important to the other person to hear that. Plain and simple. Acknowledge how your words and actions make people feel and be more committed to be conscious of it in the future.

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didn’t know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on.

We had a real grown-up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I've written my true story of personal and relationship transformation for the book, Empowering Transformations for Women, found on Amazon.com and on my website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com/products_and_services_payment

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark Card Day," AND it's an excuse to focus on your relationships.
All relationships can benefit from some positivity, fun, and emotional connection.
So here are 5 Steps to a Happy Valentine's Day with your Life Partner
1. Let go of any pressing to-do's and concentrate on your partner.
2. Smile
3. Show appreciation and gratitude for what your partner brings to your life- something like: "I'm so happy you came into my life, you really make me feel special and loved."
4. Think about what you can do for the sake of the relationship (and not hold it over their head or as a reason that they should do something back). Give it as a gift.
5. Stay connected to why you are with this person in the first place.

John Gottman, author of "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," states that in order for a relationship to thrive, you need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction.
That applies to your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, and your friends.
Steps 2-4 above are all about positive interaction.
Remember that rule and add positivity to every relationship.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Monica

Together We Can Create for the Sake of Our Family and Friendships

2011-02-05T17:01:00.000-05:00

We all know this famous phrase: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country.”
Fewer know the line that follows: “My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. “

John F Kennedy spoke these words 50 years ago, on January 20, 1961. They were a call to all- to change their perspective away from being self-focused and toward being citizens of the world. I love that concept, citizen of the world. I’ve thought about these words for the last few weeks and wanted to turn it toward our relationship with loved ones.

I have taken the liberty of turning his phrasing into a motto for me on a personal scale:

“Ask not what my loved ones will do for me, but what together we can create for the sake of our family and friendships.”
What can we CREATE together? What can we deliberately do that will be for the sake of the family and friends, rather than just for me? In the long run we will benefit from the stronger connection that develops.

What might this look like in action?
• Put the laptop, iphone, or blackberry down and have a conversation
• Schedule time to do things together
• Outwardly speak words of praise, appreciation and acknowledgment
• Cook a family meal that everyone loves, even if it’s not your favorite or takes more time than usual
• Admit you are wrong when appropriate and accept an apology when it is offered
• Hold back judgment and offer acceptance instead
• Find a way to listen, even when it is the hardest
• Create clear boundaries and expectations so that there are no more toxic assumptions

The list could go on and on. What would you add?

Relationships are rarely a conscious goal, and yet when they are troubled or tension-filled, they cause the most anxiety for us. Take the time to write your list of ways to create a better relationship for the sake of your family and friendships.
Pick one thing you can do today, one you can do this week, one goal for each month of the year.

"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."
-- Rob Reiner, director

Winter Wonderland, Enough is Enough!

2011-02-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

I live in the White Hills of CT and we have had about SIX feet of snow since December 26th- no exaggeration! That came in the form of four separate storms dropping over 13-16 inches each, and then 4 other storms in the 3-4 inch range. The snow barely has a chance to melt so the walls of snow along our walkways, driveways and streets just keep building and building.

At least I get to take some really beautiful pictures from my bedroom balcony. What a view.

My deck has two staircases leading to the yard. One of them has now become a huge pile of all the snow removed from the deck and the upper balcony off my bedroom. From ground to the top of the pile is easily seven feet. My dog Celtie hops up there and looks out on her domain, guarding against stray squirrels and brazen deer.

Blizzard Ella passed over the country the last few days, dumping 2 feet of snow in Chicago, but not much here in CT. We only got about 3 inches of snow before it turned into sleet and then freezing rain. A lot of planes are grounded, stranding my husband in Arizona. (Poor guy). I didn't want him traveling home in what is showing up today-freezing rain, which is making the roads and my yard a shiny ice rink (elevated on 2-3 feet or more of snow.)
Now my dog is finally able to travel the full extent of the yard instead of the meager pathways I have shoveled for her. Check this out.

I plan to sit by my gas fireplace and work on some writing projects including a few workshops I'm leading later this month and my book, The Empowered Bride.
Hope this entertains you!

Stay safe.
Monica

The Choice Is Yours-Time and Substance

2011-01-30T16:12:00.000-05:00

We all make choices hundreds of times a day. What to eat, what to wear, what to do each moment of the day. We often make our choices based on external forces and stimulus, rather than our core beliefs and priorities. Somewhere we lose ourselves and let outside influences control us more than they should. They decide for us what is urgent. They tell us we should do this or that... Who or what are they? Boy, that could be a long list! Spouses, family members, the media, "society", the voice of the past, the gremlins that haunt us and tell us we (can't, shouldn't, must, have to...). But ultimately, we have the final choice.
In my search for personal growth and understanding I have chosen to do a lot of reading. The following time-management concept comes from Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

Everything we do fits into one of these four quadrants:
Important and urgent
Important and not urgent
Unimportant and urgent
Unimportant and not urgent.

So what do we chose to do when the "phone is ringing" (urgent and unimportant), or something equally loud and demanding is happening ? If you chose to answer the loud "phone", what do you have to say no to in order to take time for the phone call? No time to exercise or cook healthy food, no time to read that book you've been really wanting to read, no time to contemplate that change in career, not enough quality time with your family, not enough time for a good night's sleep... Maybe that "phone call" is really channel surfing on TV or playing freecell on the computer. (I am the first to admit to this fault.) Maybe its spending time with people who aren't really a priority instead of the ones who are. What are the consequences of your choices?
Are you stepping over your values in order to answer that "urgent" interruption?

If you spent the next 30 minutes writing down 10 things that you would LIKE to spend your time on over the next hour, week or month, it will help you focus on what is really important to you. These are the important and not urgent things that will make a difference in your life.

Here is some of my list:
Work on my book: The Empowered Bride
Crochet an afghan for my friend's baby.
Print off some of the photos from my trip last October and my daughter's wedding in August.
Organize and de-clutter my closet so I can find everything.
Write 2 presentations to expand my repertoire for Lunch and Learns in the corporate setting.
Work out to my Dancing with the Stars video

The game plan to make these "Wants" a reality includes estimating time needed, putting them on your calendar, believing they are important to you and worthy of your time, and then getting them done! Connect to the "Why so important." How will you feel when they are done? What benefits do they have for you, for your family or co-workers or friends?

Stay connected to your why and you will find a way to make them happen.
And find an accountability partner to insure you stay on top of things!

Healthy Tips for the Holidays and New Year

2010-12-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

I received an inquiry from a reporter for weight-loss tips for the holidays. I thought I would turn my answer into a blog post. Enjoy.

1. share a personal tip on how to avoid gaining pounds this holiday season?
Give yourself permission to have a few small portions of sweets or your favorite indulgence over the holidays, not all day every day for two weeks! Decide ahead of time what is acceptable and then no more. It's not the small indulgences, it's taking it to extremes that will add 5-10 pounds! Balance out the "junk food" calories with something healthy.

2. How do you get past all the New Year pound-shedding resolution noise or gimmicks?
Losing weight and keeping it off is a lifestyle choice, not a fad or gimmick. If you look at how much and when you are eating, perhaps keeping a food diary for a week, you'll probably notice a trend. If you are eating for the sake of eating because you are emotionally hungry or anxious, then you have to address that, not just the food choices. If you don't know what food is better for you, then learn. If you need ideas for healthy snacks, google it. Set yourself up for winning, not for failure, by really looking at what has gotten you to this point in the first place. And then find a buddy to keep you accountable. A life coach is very helpful accountability partner. (Hint, hint!)

3. Share your experience and or interesting related story?
I coached a woman about the big family transition she was going through: second marriage, two young babies, no time for herself. With only 3 conversations over the course of a month, she addressed some key beliefs she had about what was making her feel restless and unhappy. Without even trying, she lost 15 pounds in less than a month because she was no longer emotionally eating. She was making good choices that fit into her lifestyle, such as healthy food, short yoga and meditation exercises, and a new perspective that helped her love her life again.

Hope this was helpful. Any other ideas you want help on?

Relationship Tip #1

2010-12-11T23:27:00.000-05:00

I have a unique opportunity to be a published author, part of an Anthology book with about 35 other women. (Release date March 7, more info later.) I'm writing about my personal and professional transformation over the last few years. Not only did I become a life and relationship coach, I became conscious of the world of relationships; how to recognize relationship toxins and how to make conscious choices that will strengthen and nourish rather than isolate and destroy.

Relationship Tip #1 If you treasure your relationships, keep that in mind when difficulties arise. Let your actions be for the good of the relationship, not the good of your pride.

To put it another way: What is more important, the long-term health of a relationship, or winning a small battle?
If you do something that makes someone feel angry, annoyed, unheard, ignored, diminished, wrong, stupid, unimportant, etc, then admit it and apologize. Most of the time, we don't mean to make others feel bad. All the more reason to acknowledge that you messed up and are sorry. This is the perfect opportunity to let that other person know how much you mean to them. Share what you treasure about your relationship and clear up any misunderstandings before they can grow into disasters.
When someone feels heard and cared for, they are able to connect with you on a whole new level.

Case in point: I had a co-facilitator on an on-going project and I was doing something that really bothered her but she hadn't shared it with me. When she finally did, I swallowed my pride, consciously chose to apologize instead of getting defensive, and asked her what she needed me to do in order for her to feel better about things. I didn't realize my actions were bothering her but her complaint made sense and we agreed on an action that kept us both happy.
Imagine the outcome if I had gotten defensive. It would have sounded more like, "I'm right and you're wrong."
Imagine if she had yelled at me and criticized me instead of calmly expressing what was bothering her.
Remember this scenario the next time your boss says something to you or your teen makes a mistake.
If you remain calm and keep the long-term goal of your relationship in mind, you will make the right choices.

Think of your relationship as its own separate entity. It has needs and wants. It needs good communication. It needs nourishment, positive interactions, caring and love. It needs teamwork and aligned goals.
Good luck, and please feel free to share a time when you took the high road for the sake of your relationship.

Vacations- Whose job is it anyway?

2010-10-25T00:27:00.000-04:00

I just came back from a fabulous vacation with my husband. We celebrated 30 years of marriage in August, no small feat! We've (or should I say I've) talked about going to Italy for at least 15 years and the opportunity came up and we took it. 2 days in Rome and then a cruise on the Mediterranean. Heaven.

What does it take, besides money, to go on a big vacation like that? Weeks or months of preparation- arranging work schedules, buying some needed clothes, a new bathing suit (still wore my trusty old one), packing up medicines and toiletries, arranging our dog sitter, holding the mail and the newspapers, getting the house ready, paying bills ahead of time, getting Euros to bring with us... Like any event in our lives this required lists and more lists. I managed to remember everything, though I somehow lost my travel alarm clock. I do all the list making and packing, my husband basically just does what he is asked and shows up. He's the one working 15 hour days so I don't mind.

Why is it that a man can pack in a matter of 1 hour and it takes me days- thinking about outfits, purses, shoes, etc. I spent 2 days just doing laundry and making piles of potential clothes. I remembered to pack his ipod and headphones for jogging and his post-running tablets for rehydrating while he remembered to pack his sneakers. It's interesting that I think about what he'll need but I'm sure he never gives a thought about what I packed or didn't pack. Maybe that is the built-in mother role I have permanently assumed. He just trusts that I will remember what I need. As he says, "As long as I have my passport and wallet, everything else is extra."

It's funny how I've noticed the way we drop into our roles, even on vacation or right when we got back. I am the fact-finder, the arranger of things. I got all the tour books and decided what excursions we went on, spending hours on websites and making decisions. When I signed up for the experience with the dolphins, Steve chose to stay on the ship and read his book. When I got back from my excursion we explored Malta for a few hours before the ship took off for the next port. I'm the exploring type and Steve is the stay put type. He would never walk off the ship and explore the city by himself.

When we got back from our trip I immediately jumped into laundry and unpacking mode while Steve jumped into yard work duty. Roles are embedded in our every day lives. After 2 days of laundry, processing mail, and catching up on sleep, I'm avoiding all the other household roles like grocery shopping and vacuuming. I even avoided my emails for 2 days. Tomrrow will come soon enough. In the mean time I have 1300 pictures to look at on my computer!

My first picture in Rome- the infamous Trevi Fountain

Lucas the dophin came over to play with us.

The ceiling of a church in La Valetta, Malta- amazing!

Technology Overcome!

2010-09-23T13:32:00.000-04:00

Hi Everyone,
This is round two of the same post, as I work out some technology- like what frozen picture you see of me before you start the video, or when you get the post in your email. Hopefully I don't look like one of those Christmas Carolers in mid word with a round mouth and squinted eyes! Bear with me as I travel on my learning curve....

Check out my new video abilities. Necessity is truly the motivating force for overcoming an obstacle like technology.
What technology challenge has you stumped? It's time to over come it! If you have a Mac you can go to any Apple store and get free help in 20-30 minutes doses (though I chose to do the "I'll try to do this myself" method). If you don't have a Mac, there is likely to be some teenager in your life who knows a lot more than you. Barter for some help!
Good luck.
~Monica
PS If you are seeing a still photo in your blackberry or email, go to the actual blog for the video.

The Aftermath of a Life-altering event

2010-09-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

It's 10 days since my daughter's wedding and I'm still not back to my "schedule." Of course, my life has NO schedule, so there lies the problem. I've spent the better part of the last 3 months so engrossed with Melissa's wedding- calls to vendors and my daughters, working on all the details, thinking proactively to anticipate every moment and potential issue, making lists, etc, that I don't know what a normal schedule is any more.

How do you get back into a routine after a life-altering or all-consuming event?

I suppose if I had a 9-5 job or young kids at home to force me into a routine, that might help. Instead, I work from home and much of my motivation has to come from within.
It's 1pm and I've done a million things today (except get dressed).
*Client call at 8am.
*Breakfast routine for my dog Celtie and me.
*30 minutes reading "Wedding Goddess" for my market analysis for book proposal (I am writing a book called The Empowered Bride and working on the proposal to send to an agent).
*Semi-Quick look through emails
*30 minute call about a community service fundraiser I am doing this Friday
*45 minute chat with my older daughter Christine (got a kick in the butt to keep writing so I can sell lots of books, promote my business, and help my husband retire early.)

I have a call at 3 with a fellow coach who is going to ask me if I made the promised number of calls I said I would make by 3pm. These are business calls mind you. So far, I have made 0 business calls. I'd rather read Wedding Goddess and see how MY book will be better! My accountability is at question, so now I am in a panic!

There is the nagging thought that I SHOULD get the house clean and walk the dog and put away a few last wedding items or prepare for Melissa and Chris' return from their honeymoon. They will stay with us for a day and then head to Virginia (sniff!)
Even my blogging gets distracted by talking about semi-wedding stuff!

I hate the word SHOULD so I am going to do what I want to do right now.
I am going to get dressed and call some wedding vendors and set up appointments to talk about my book and my wedding coaching service and see where that gets me!

As for the aftermath of a life-altering event, I guess declaring a schedule and getting dressed first would help!
Any other suggestions? Please help!

Forgiveness and apologies

2010-09-04T09:28:00.000-04:00

“We must forgive those we feel have wronged us, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don’t want to keep paying for the injustice.”
Quote from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and to the person you are forgiving. If you hold on to a grudge it will eat away at you and your other relationships. Many a family, friendship, and work setting has been torn apart by a grudge. I know from direct experience.

If someone offends you in some way, I'd like you to keep a few things in mind.
*They may not have intended to hurt you.
*There might be information you are not aware of.
*If their offense is connected to a personality trait, (she's always so nosey), it may actually be your interpretation of that trait. Maybe she is just curious, or socially awkward, trying to fit in...
*You can't change another person, you can only change what you think and what you do about it.

Apologies and forgiveness. They go hand in hand. As someone who has a hard time with apologies, I will admit I had a hard time forgiving as well. Now I try to offer them up as instantly as I perceive they are needed. We are all human and humans make mistakes. To believe otherwise is foolishness.

So go out there and make amends where ever it is needed. Everyone deserves a second chance. You will feel better, and so will they! That's what peace of mind is all about- to know that you have done everything possible for yourself and others. Let go of that grudge!

My daughter's wedding

2010-09-03T13:35:00.000-04:00

After 10 months of planning and a life time of anticipation, my youngest daughter Melissa was married on August 28, 2010. It was a beautiful wedding and we are very happy with her choice for a husband. Chris went to school with Melissa at the University of Mary Washington and they have known each other for 6 years.

I have written all about the wedding prep and wedding day (including pictures) in my other blog. Check it out! www.theempoweredbride.com/blog.

As a coach, I'd like to say that my daughter and I did everything right. It was my third try at being Mother of...and things got better each time. We talked about things ahead of time, we planned together as a team, we were honest about our feelings after missteps were taken (only a few), and we were able to share this whole process with my other daughter Christine (a truly amazing wedding planner).
If we had the chance to do it all over again, I don't know what we would change (besides a few minor details) because honestly, it was picture perfect.

The mother-daughter relationship is a very special bond. When it's right it adds such pleasure to your life. I am blessed to say I have that with both my daughters. Our relationship will be in transition for a while as she settles into the new role of wife, not to mention settling into her new home in VA with her husband Chris.

Wow! My children are all married. And now I am officially in an empty nest. I guess it's time for me to ramp up my connection with my husband Steve! We are taking a long-overdue trip for our 30th wedding anniversary to Rome and a cruise in the Mediterranean.

As for my professional life, I am coaching, networking, and doing presentations on a number of subjects. I am also working on a book called The Empowered Bride. Next will be something for The Mother of the Bride. After 3 children getting married in just over 3 years, I have much insight to share and want to fill the void of relationship knowledge in the midst of planning a wedding.

Here's to Melissa and Chris, the newlyweds, and the life they will share together.

I finally did it!

2010-08-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

I am a life coach. With that comes the responsibility of doing the things I encourage my clients to do- like de-clutter or get my house in order. De-cluttering has always been a problem of mine. I get attached to things, I save too much, I don't take the time to set up a system or put things away or file for that matter. Then after things pile up, I get frustrated and try to tackle it.

For the last 15 months it has been my goal to clean up my bedroom. I moved here 4 years ago and still hadn't put everything away. I was almost done last summer when I stopped short of completion. What was left was the 3 boxes of papers that needed sorting, thinning out, or filing. The desk had a layer of old bills and notes about this and that. My dresser had piles of winter socks and assorted small items. My side of the bathroom vanity was piled high with makeup, hair products and jewelry.

This year I've been motivated by the fact that my daughter is getting married and the photographer will be taking pictures upstairs- Melissa getting ready, Melissa and her bridal party, Melissa and her proud mom, whatever!

So yesterday, after talking with MY life coach (yes I have a coach too)about why I've been resisting the final push, I set up a schedule and did it! I stayed focused on the task. I resisted my computer, the phone, the to-do list,the refrigerator and my dog. Now the taxes are all filed, the papers are put away, and donations are in a bag heading to Goodwill. I even tackled the master bath. Toiletries are thinned out and shelved, and the jewelry is organized.

I am quite proud of myself. When I woke up this morning, I no longer had to look at a messy desk or bookshelf, cluttered corners or a messy bathroom. I could open my eyes and enjoy what I was seeing! The wedding is 10 days away and I am ready. Woo Hoo!

See beyond the obstacles

2010-08-04T16:09:00.000-04:00

I don't usually talk about my spiritual life publicly, but this week's church sermon really got me thinking. We had a guest priest in church this past weekend, an Irish friend of our pastor. He mentioned the story of St. Bernadette, who heard the voice of Mary every day for 2 weeks. Mary asked Bernadette to visit the grotto day after day until it started to draw very large crowds. (Her hometown of Lourdes, France is now famous because of Bernadette), but by the 14th day the police had blocked off the grotto. Bernadette had to go to the other side of the stream, climb up the terrain a bit and look down on the grotto from a distance, beyond all the obstacles, in order to see Mary in the grotto. Father Harris made the comparison to our lives, where we come to church daily or weekly to be with God and get beyond all the obstacles in our lives; work and family demands, technology, the hustle and bustle of life.

This concept of seeing our lives from above the obstacles is what life coaching has done for me and what I try to do for my clients. Don't let the hustle and bustle of life, along with its demands and obstacles, keep you from seeing what your life purpose is. Don't let the inner obstacles of fear or doubt keep you from living the life that you are meant to live. Where is your focus? The distractions or the distant path yet traveled?

Take some time to envision the possible paths your life can take.
Make the time to evaluate the obstacles that are keeping you blocked.
Create a plan or strategy to bust through the obstacles now, before you waste more time submitting to your fears, doubts, and trivialities of life.
Make your life mean something powerful.
And finally, connect to what ever spirituality allows you to be one with yourself without judgment or criticism. Accept who you are and be the best you can be.

Have a great day.
~Monica

A Healthy Lifestyle

2010-08-01T00:28:00.000-04:00

A doctor will tell you to quit smoking, a health teacher will tell you ways to avoid getting sexually transmitted diseases, the TV will remind you of the many chronic illnesses to avoid like Emphysema, Diabetes, Heart Attacks, etc. The average American woman can probably tell you at least 20 health tips off the top of her head, like drinking more water, avoiding saturated fats, not adding too much salt or sugar to her diet, exercising 30 minutes a day, and giving up sweetened drinks. What most of them have in common is sacrifice, which is why most women don’t follow their own knowledge of how to live a healthier life.

So what will help people choose to follow healthier habits? I believe that working with a life coach can help a person flush out the reasons why she is choosing the wrong habits and help her choose a better way to live. A life coach can help her client assess how she is currently living, what is causing stress and anxiety in her life, and what is NOT working for her. She is then able develop the intentions and strong conviction to reassess her lifestyle, not for a fad diet, but to make life-long changes that come from a new awareness and confidence.

Consistently living healthy habits is more of a mental health issue than a lack of knowledge, for the most part. A happy and fulfilled person who knows how to deal with life’s issues is not the kind of person to binge on sweets or take risks with their health. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin and in healthy relationships with those around her, is emotionally more stable and less likely to fall victim to poor health habits.

As a whole life coach, and a relationship coach, I help women flourish in all aspects of their lives; from personal growth to health and career. If one area of your life is unfulfilled or causing anxiety, it will have an effect on all areas of your life. I enjoy helping my clients see the big picture.

If this interests you, I hope you will contact me for a free consultation.
monica@newstepslifecoaching.com

Whose Job Is It?

2010-05-02T22:14:00.000-04:00

What happens when 3 different people all think that one of the other two is taking care of something? The "something" doesn't get done! That's called "a poorly occupied role." When a role is not occupied, the job doesn't get done. "No one took out the garbage, or bought the milk, or paid the mortgage." If a role is super important, and no one claims ownership, a disaster can happen (Ex. paying the bills). If the role is only important to one person and they want another person to do the job, tempers can flare ("Why don't you put things away!) When there are many things going on at once and the plan is not clear, roles can slip through the cracks (event planning, committee work). This happened very recently to me and the end result was very disappointing. There is a lot of "if only" feelings. "If only I had realized that the other two weren't doing it, I would have done it." Or, "If only we had cleared this up ahead of time, we would have taken care of it properly."
How can you go through life without "if only's?" That requires clear communication and developing a plan. Why didn't we create a plan? THAT is an important question. We had a plan that didn't include that role! I suspected things should have been done but never pressed about it. I'm not sure why but I can speculate:
I didn't want to be a bother or be pushy.
I assumed it was being taken care of.
I didn't feel it was my place (I wasn't in charge.)
I didn't have time.
I was avoiding the subject (not my favorite role.)
Wishful thinking that it would be fine without worrying about it.

Well, the wishful thinking wasn't enough. And hoping the role was covered didn't work out either. Next time, there will be a better plan in place and lots of clear communication.

What are you resisting?

2010-03-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

I have just about finished preparing my taxes. Woo Hoo! Taxes are the bain of my existence. I have done my own taxes all my life- until last year. I got myself and my husband through 28 years of 1099's, Schedule A's, listing assorted deductions, and even 12 years of a Schedule C for my Discovery Toys business. We bought and sold homes, lived in one state and worked in another (for 18 years now), and so on, and so on. I resist tackling my taxes every year, and when I get around to doing the work- assembling all the forms that come in the mail, going through my checkbook and credit card statements, it ends up being about 15 hours of work. All that resisting for a weekend's worth of stick-to-itiveness. (I know that's not a word).
I guess what I'm getting at is that thinking about and worrying about something for 3 months, that I can really just plow through in a weekend, is ridiculous.
As a life coach I know I am resisting my taxes for a reason, so I have decided to get to the root of the problem and fix it. I realize that I have to be willing to do things I don't enjoy doing every once in a while (like getting a mammogram and a colonoscopy). I know I have other pressing things to do but it doesn't pay to wait to the last minute, especially when we're getting OUR money back. I know I am resisting the fact that this has been my "role" for over 30 years. I have "role nausea!" My husband wouldn't touch the taxes. If I don't do it, who will? Last year I finally brought my taxes to an accountant, but now that I have a business as a coach, I still have to do a ton of organizing of expenses. So those 15 hours are still with me no matter what.
How do I make this easier for next year? If I put a system in place that finishes my 15 hours of prep on December 31st, I could bring my forms to the accountant as soon as I have them all. Brilliant! I have this same thought every year in March. I get things ready for the new year up to March, and then I never look at it again till next March. Drat, it means I have to actually USE the system from March to December! What would that look like?
I will put receipts in the same place when I get them. (I've done a pretty good job of that so far.)
Each week I will enter any receipts and income into my system (excel? quickbooks?) 15 hours of bookkeeping divided by 12 months is only about an hour and 15 minutes every month, or 20 minutes a week. Now, when is a good time each week?
Each time I drive for business or charity I will log it into my book (keep log in the car).
Each bank or credit card statement will be checked for expenses for my business and entered into my system.
Each week after I do my bookkeeping I will treat myself in some way.
I think I can handle 20 minutes a week for the peace of mind I'll have next January. I'll keep you posted.

So what are YOU resisting and why? What are you willing to do that will ease the situation? That which we resist persists, so we might as well look at why we are resisting and find a new way of looking at the issue!
Good luck!

Helping someone in need

2010-03-22T10:09:00.000-04:00

I had an opportunity to "step up to the plate" this weekend. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Read on:
My daughter and I were at my local library to pick up a form and a woman peeked out of the bathroom door looking very pale and bleeding from her arm. She was asking for help. The mother instinct kicked in as I walked her back into the bathroom. I could tell immediately that she had self-inflicted superficial wounds on her forearm, 20-30 long scratch marks. Some were old and scabbed and some were new and bleeding. I told my daughter to go get a library employee while I walked her to the sink to wash and wrap her arm. (Years of medical emergency background came in handy instinctively. Yes, I kept a towel between me her injuries.)
This woman smelled of alcohol, was about 35-40 years old, was crying and pleading for both help and to kill herself and was very weak in the knees. Her weapon of choice was some sort of plastic razor still laying just inside her purse.

As you can imagine, there were a million thoughts running through my head but the overpowering one was that this woman needed me desperately. I didn't have to fix her or diagnose anything or take her to the hospital myself. I knew help was on the way. I could have walked away in fear or waited outside until help arrived. But I was compelled to BE the help for those important 5 minutes. What she needed was to be held until a chair arrived, comforted as she cried, and listened to as she rambled in order to keep her calm. She had walked to the library to act on her urge to hurt herself in order to spare her 17 year old daughter from seeing her in such a state. I am glad I could be the one to "find her" in that state, rather than her young daughter. I am also glad MY daughter wasn't alone as this woman asked for help but I'm sure she would have been able to get her the help she needed on her own.

I asked the woman if I could get her wallet out of her purse. I found her ID card and could now call her by her first name. She also had a Dept of Social Services card so there was clearly a history of care. I asked her a few questions to engage her and let her talk. She kept asking me "what should I do..." I told her that if I was in that much pain and despair I would want to go to a doctor to get help. I think I was trying to prepare her for what would undoubtedly happen- an ambulance ride to the hospital.

The librarian called the police to provide the professional help she really needed. It was only about 5 minutes before the policeman arrived and I felt glad that I could give him the bits of information I already knew. As he took over, I stepped out of the situation, knowing I had helped this woman in one of the worst moments I can imagine.

I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I learned that my ability to stay calm and not try to fix anything allowed this woman to feel supported. I learned that I can be a little afraid and still help someone. I learned that I was a good placeholder until the experts arrived. I am grateful for having the opportunity to help a woman who so desperately needed my help.

Healthy Living

2010-03-17T14:21:00.000-04:00

If you're feeling stuck and you don't know how to make the changes in your life that will propel you forward in a healthy way, I'd like to suggest one thing. Literally, do ONE thing today that is different from your usual routine. Eat a new meal, find a new way to exercise, find one little boundary for yourself (no food after 8pm or only one small sweet per day). Commit to that ONE thing for the next week. Think about how it embraces the "new you" vision. Think about how great you will feel having done something positive for yourself. That feeling will grow as you act in a positive way each day. You will be taking control of your life by making healthier choices.

Break out of that stuck place and create new momentum with ONE daily action.
You can do it!

Intentions VS reality in an unfocused world

2010-03-11T10:03:00.000-05:00

I wrote this essay to prove a point. See if you recognize yourself in here...

I woke up with the energy and determination of Hercules. I was on a mission to get things done! The plan was to get some exercise done, eat well, and get some chores off my “To Do” list; laundry- I need my pants cleaned for the meeting tomorrow, groceries, correspondence that was over due.
I quickly dressed in my exercise clothes, brushed my teeth and headed downstairs to let the dog out. I put on a kettle for tea and started upstairs to get the laundry. With this much energy I figured I should strip the beds and grab all the towels while I was at it! When I grabbed the clothes from the hamper some papers fell out of my husbands pants- a pay-stub, tissues, the usual business cards from work contacts. I put the paystub and cards on his dresser and noticed a bill that needed paying. I tucked that in my pocket and headed downstairs to my checkbook.
The kettle was wailing so I made my tea. I ran back upstairs to get all the laundry. It took two trips to the laundry room. But my tea was getting cold so I went back to the kitchen, but what’s tea without the newspaper so I went outside to get the paper. I noticed some weeds near the porch and dug a few out and started a pile that I was sure I could get back to later. Paper in hand I headed back to the kitchen for my tea, which was now cold. Into the microwave to reheat! Ugh!
An hour later I had read the whole paper and finished my tea. Where did the time go? I ran to the laundry room to wash the sheets to start.
I went to my desk to pay the bill I found and realized I hadn’t balanced my checkbook this month. I got out the statement and started checking things off. It took 45 minutes but I found the missing penny! Once the bill was paid I couldn’t find stamps. I pulled everything out of the drawer and nothing there, but I came across some Christmas cards that never got logged into my Christmas registry. That was put away in the basement but I figured no time like the present so off I went to the basement to find the Christmas card box. 30 minutes later I had checked off the 3 cards I found and updated an address.

My stomach began to growl and I realized it was almost noon and I hadn’t eaten breakfast or done my exercises for the day! I still had to put the sheets in the dryer and start the next load of towels. What about the clothes I need for tomorrow’s meeting- that will be load number 3. I also hadn’t started my grocery list or written the letter to the insurance agent I needed to get out. I had no stamps to send the letters so that meant a trip to the post office. I had a pile of weeds started in the yard and it looked like they would sit there until at least tomorrow….
I guess the exercising will wait till tomorrow. I have a lot to do before my 3pm appointment at the dentist. What do I do first?.....

Did you see all my mistakes? How will you live your life differently? If you want some help changing things around and doing what is important in your life in an organized way, send me an email.

A confession for the soul

2010-02-26T13:08:00.000-05:00

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years- "you know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I was getting. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize."

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didnt' know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on. We had a real grown up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I am encouraged to know that all these courses in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person. I want to share that with all of my clients as well. Join me for my first free teleclass March 11 at 7pm EST where we will explore positive intentions in relationships. email me at monica@newstepslifecoaching.com for more details.

Sunday Night Planning

2010-01-24T23:04:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday night and I am back to using my "tree top planner" strategy. What that means is I imagine being up in the top of a tree looking down on my week ahead. I can spend a few minutes dreaming about what I want to accomplish, how I will feel at the end of the week when I've accomplished these things, how will I be closer to my master plan goals, who do I need or want to connect to this week, what have I made commitments to do?

From here I can write a to-do list and I make a list of the people I want to connect to. It helps that I divide my page into major categories like Work, writing, wedding (my daughter's), networking, house, family.

Next I review my calendar; what appointments do I have, where will my exercise fit in, do I need to rearrange anything? Once I've had a chance to review things, I look at my big picture goals and make sure I plug in the things that are important for those goals: time to read and write, time to plan my meals for the week, get to the gym, connect to friends and family, etc. Blocks of time are identified to complete things from my to-do list, as well as time to relax and refresh!

If I have a focus for what I want to get done, I don't get as sidetracked by unimportant distractions and can enjoy my time off, not worrying about what I didn't get done!

Sometimes it's tough working from home, but when I take the time to create a plan, I know I am a more effective, efficient and happy person!

That's my plan and I'm sticking to it! How about you?

2010-01-01T17:31:00.001-05:00

“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.” - Ellen Goodman

I was sent this quote today, and it really struck a chord. I have been putting off my to-do of "2010 Goals" and I think what I want to do first is review my "2009 successes." My coaching group is using these 3 questions to help see what worked in 2009 before jumping to what I want to improve in 2010.

1. What were your 3 most important wins in 2009?
2. What were your 3 most energizing events/activities during the year?
3. What did you learn from your wins and your energizers that you want to carry forward into 2010?

It is a guideline you can use for every month, every quarter, or every year.
What this quote makes me realize is that I have much to be grateful for and many successes to build upon. I don't have to make up new big goals or challenges. It doesn't have to be hard. I don't have to become someone else in order to have a "successful" year.

Look to what is working, find the potential in that, and build on it. I intend to concentrate on what I am really attracted to and just turn up my focus and attention another notch.

Happy New Year.

Be grateful, be glad, and be joyful

2009-11-21T10:26:00.001-05:00

I just saw a quote today that struck to the core of human relationships. It was written in 1790 by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

As we head into the holiday season, we can approach the world in a few different ways. Having "The Christmas Spirit" through the eyes of Goethe might be to have a personal approach and a mood that will create a humanizing response to anything that goes on; forgiving, generous, hopeful. If you are a "Scrooge," you might be short-tempered, quick to blame, ready to pick a fight. Which temperament do you choose to carry with you this holiday season and for the rest of your life?

"If we treat people as they are, we make them worse." What does that mean? One thing I think it means is that if someone is grumpy or short with you and you respond in kind, you take yourself down to their level instead of bringing them up to yours. That only escalates the de-humanizing way we treat each other. If instead you react cheerfully and with humor and respect, "and treat them as they ought to be," you are both lifted to a level of common decency that you can feel good about. If they don't follow suit, it is their problem, not yours. Don't let them turn you into a Scrooge.

For this holiday season and the years to come:
Think of all that is possible, not about past short-falls.
Think the most of people, not about their short-comings.
Think how YOU can make things better, not about what others SHOULD do.
Call me a Pollyanna, but I'd rather be glad than mad. I'd rather look for the good in people and believe they are capable of great things, than assume the worst and prove my thoughts right.
Let's help people "become what they are capable of becoming."

I am grateful for my family, the people in my life, and the path that has lead me to writing this blog!
Have a great and grateful holiday season with family and friends.

A New Life is Calling Me- Weddings!

2009-11-19T18:09:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been drawn to something and can't pull yourself away? I'm not talking about a car crash on the highway, I'm talking about a presence or event or activity in your life. Some people get obsessed by a book series, or their favorite TV show, or Facebook. I am now obsessed with wedding websites and wanting to be on one of them. I am officially announcing myself as a wedding coach. It's not like I haven't lived and breathed it for the better part of the last 2+ years. My son got married two summers ago. I wasn't that involved with the planning but it was a good primer for things to come and I learned a lot about how roles change and intertwine. My older daughter was engaged by that time, and we spent the next year planning everything down to the last detail (at least 13 different vendors) for their big day. It was a great experience! We finished the year with a super special wedding day and a stronger relationship. No horror stories for us, only teamwork, good planning, and fun! (Ask me about the mother-daughter dance).

My younger daughter is now engaged to her long-time beau. We knew it was coming and had talked about possible venues, themes, and priorities for the budget-a Swing Band for sure! You could say we had talked about her “High Dream” for the wedding day. Once the official engagement was here we were ready! We all kicked into high gear and had 5 key things booked in 21 days: our local church and choir, a fabulous historic reception site (priority #1), a caterer who is familiar with said fabulous site, a Swing Band, and the hotel block of rooms for all the out-of-town guests! Not bad for the fact that the bride, the groom and mom live in three different states! We have a budget outlined, and so far we are doing fabulously!

Planning a wedding takes an open mind, lots of stamina, good goal setting, budget minding, and time management skills, and the ability to balance the wants and needs of a lot of important people in your life. Now that I am a trained life and relationship coach, I am going to throw my hat in the ring and permanently live in the world of weddings! I belong here. I'm comfortable and experienced here. I'm not leaving my other clients (entrepreneurial women, moms), I'm just adding to them. They all have something in common; they are seeking a fulfilled, happy life and they deserve to have an advocate by their side.

I want to help Brides (and their moms) remain calm and in control while also enjoying the dreaming and exploring of options. I want to help discover what they want for themselves and their marriage. I want to help them consciously live the most exciting year of their life with a plan to strengthen their relationships with eyes wide open. No hiding behind hurt feelings or avoiding sticky subjects. And No Bridezilla's! No one wants to be that out-of-control person who is on the verge of tears all the time. There is a better way. And I can show them how. Having a wedding coach (AKA personal and relationship coach) is the answer to supporting the bride and the bride's most intimate relationships. It’s not just about the wedding day, it’s about the journey before and after the big day!

Know any newly engaged women or their moms? Pass this on!
Monica Leggett, CPCC
Life and relationship coach
Wedding coach for the bride and/or mother-of-the-bride (she needs help too!)
www.newstepslifecoaching.com
203-209-5462

De-triggering my triggered selves

2009-10-22T12:54:00.000-04:00

I have learned something new this week. (Always a good thing) I have learned that we all have different selves within us that can get triggered when we are faced with something challenging. What's "new" about this statement is that my triggered self is not "ME." She is someone I can have a dialogue with in order to deal with her. How I deal with that triggered self is the key to going past uncomfortable moments or situations with "success" or staying stuck in my usual way of doing and being.

For instance, I set a goal to do something that will be challenging or exciting or scary. It is a goal I really want to achieve and it will make my life better. I want it with all my heart. Then poof, my triggered self gets all stirred up and takes over.
Sometimes my triggered self is fear and just stops me in my tracks. She convinces the competent Monica that it's not worth all the angst to try something scary. She is trying to protect me from failure or embarrassment. But avoiding what I truly want or need to be doing is not going to help any!
Sometimes my triggered self is anger and I blow my cool, becoming someone who is completely incapable of functioning normally! (I hate when that happens and those around me tend to duck. Luckily it doesn't happen often.)
Sometimes my triggered self is sadness (not usually around when dealing with goals but more likely when dealing with other people). When sadness takes over I lose hours to the Whoa is Me talk and being in a slump. Nothing gets accomplished.

The point about these examples is that my triggered selves (similar to a saboteur) are not functioning the way I want to be functioning. They are making matters worse for me or are keeping me stuck in a life that is not fulfilling. We all want to grow. We all want to make changes in our lives and break out of habits or create new ones that match the vision of the new self we are trying to become.

What can I do when a triggered self is around? I have created a structure to talk to her, thank her for making me aware of my edgy challenge to the status quo, and tell her to take a hike! I can take over from here. The competent Monica gets to be in charge. Yeah me! There are some body signals I can use, depending on the trigger, that will help me take over and be my most confident, calm or uplifted self. A few deep breaths always come in handy.

If you are thinking I must be some kind of crazy (and I assure you I am not), I will tell you that all this new knowledge comes from my relationship coaching classes. (Center for Right Relationships) I am learning to be in better relationship with MYSELF and to be in better relationship with those around me. This is all part of what I will bring to the table as I coach others. I have already tried the exercise on three clients this week and they all love it. To quote one, "I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me!"

If you are interested in trying the exercise with your favorite triggered self please call me. I’m loving this tool! 203-209-5462. The first session is always free and it's all done by phone, so please take me up on it!
Have a happy un-triggered day,
Monica

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You Wouldn’t Let Them Play With Matches, Would You?

2009-10-12T17:31:00.000-04:00

Twenty-something years ago when my two older children were just 3 and 4 years old, I was complaining to my mother about discipline issues. The kids weren’t behaving and I was sounding rather exasperated about what I wanted them to do or didn’t want them to do. My mother said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. She said, “You wouldn’t let them play with matches, would you?” Of course I said, “No,” emphatically. And she said, “Then don’t let them do that! Don’t be wishy-washy. Be firm about what you find unacceptable behavior and they will understand.” (I think that’s the Dog Whisperer’s way of saying, “Be the Alpha Dog.”)

Fast forward 23 years and what does that have to do with finding balance and fulfillment in your family life and a strong sense of self for your children? Deciding as a parent what you believe in and the values you hold dear are important to setting the ground rules for your family life. Being wishy-washy and lax will serve no purpose in building character and commitment in your children or in yourself.

On the other hand, if you come to parenthood with a plan, work on that plan with your spouse, and continue to mold and nurture that plan, you will see wonderful things develop.
If you explore your VALUES and what you want to pass on to your children, then the teachable moments and opportunities will spring up all around you.
If you define your personal and family PRIORITIES they will become more influential in affecting your actions and COMMITMENTS.
If you learn to champion and acknowledge your children, yourself and your spouse, you will all know your STRENGTHS and will feel like you can accomplish anything.
If you’re honest about your gremlins or saboteurs, the things that hold you back in life, then you won’t pass them on to your children.

As a parent, or for any human being, if you never develop goals or a plan, you will always be tumbling in the waves of life and never riding them.
Don’t be bounced around by life and by parenthood.
Stand firm in your values, priorities, strengths, and commitments.
Do your best to champion and acknowledge the values, priorities, strengths and commitments of your family.
And don’t be wishy-washy!

Failure is not what happens when you don’t reach your goals.
Failure is never setting goals to reach for.

Monica Leggett, Life Coach for Individuals and Families looking for their best life.
Contact Monica at 203-209-5462 or Monica@newstepslifecoaching.com.

(This was the first blog I wrote over a year ago, written in honor of my mother, Mary Kay Flannery. As the mother of ten children, she saw it all, achieved so much, and was a great role model for me.)

Serendipitous Moment

2009-10-04T00:41:00.000-04:00

I’ve been “blogless” due to other writing responsibilities but now I’ve been inspired! Have you ever had an issue or topic on your mind and then you just happen to find a quote or article that exactly matches what you are trying to say? That has happened to me a few times in my life. Several years ago I was preparing for my installation as the President of my community service organization. I had no idea what I was going to say that evening as I accepted my position. And then I read my daily horoscope. I forget what it said now, but it was perfect and I shared the message with my friends that night. I remember sharing how serendipity plays a part in our lives at the strangest times.
Just the other day it happened to me again. I had spent several weeks working on a newsletter and then a workshop, both dealing with habits and goals. I was getting off track, way behind schedule but I took a break to check through my emails. That’s when I found “Quote of the day” sitting in my in-box. It was from Brian Tracy, a motivational speaker, author and trainer. I get a new quote sent to me almost every day. If I had been using my “Important VS Unimportant” strategy encouraged by Stephen Covey, I would have skipped the email and gone back to my writing. But something told me to open it. The quote said, “A Goal Without a Plan is Only a Dream.”
Here I was trying to put my thoughts into a two-hour workshop about creating goals and making dreams a reality and these 9 words hit my in-box. They say it all. They hopefully motivate someone to make their dreams a reality by taking their goals and making them part of a full plan. As I wrote in my newsletter a few weeks ago, I believe that the way to create a master plan takes dreams, then planning, then specific goals, and then steps to take action. And here was this brief quote reinforcing all I wanted to teach!
In my workshop today, 24 participants and I took a goal that meant a lot to many of them, “I will de-clutter my home by Dec. 20, 2009” and we created a plan that everyone in the room could believe in. We took a dream, a dream that clearly meant a lot to the woman who suggested it, and we broke it down into manageable steps. As part of the full goal we picked one room, the kitchen and figured out 10 areas to focus on- countertops, fridge, table top, junk drawer, etc. We calculated an estimate for each area and decided that a typical messy kitchen could take up to 12 hours to purge, scour, organize and declutter. We discussed all the saboteur voices that might try to discourage us like, ”It will be too hard or too overwhelming or too time consuming.” We found a positive perspective, “It is possible if I break it into manageable steps and put the time blocks in my calendar.” Someone mentioned the strategy of “Only touch each item once.” In other words don’t move things into this pile and then that one and then set it aside to eventually do something about it. That led to a discussion about preparing places ahead of time to put important papers.
At the end of a 15-minute discussion we had a plan that most people in the room could move forward with. We took a goal, created a plan, and made people hopeful that a dream could become reality.
In today’s story, a goal plus a plan can make a dream come true!
[That is what coaching is all about! It’s like buying a self-help book and being personally guided by the author! If you want some help in the same way just call me! I do free sample sessions several times a week. 203-209-5462.]

Kindness is Asking More, Not Less

2009-08-31T14:37:00.000-04:00

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”
From “The Lion and the Mouse,” by Aesop

I have been very conscious of that quote most of my life. It is printed next to my photo in my high school yearbook. Now it sits on my desk- I saved it from a mailing asking for a donation. There could be no better example of a “goodie two shoes” than me. In junior high I had an article in the school paper written about me called, “A Friendly Face.” My daughters roasted me during my 50th birthday bash. They tried to collect “wild and crazy” stories about me and no one had anything to say! Instead they came up with “The Top Ten Reasons Why Mom’s a Goodie Two Shoes.” (One of them was the article!) I was quoted as giving this advice to make friends, “Don’t get hang-ups on how people act, say hello first, try not to be angry and obnoxious, and be patient.” What brilliance from a ninth grader! These are true examples of being kind first and asking questions later.

Kindness for others doesn’t always transfer over to kindness to myself. I can be overly critical or think little of my abilities, my methods, my orderliness. My lack of ambition was directly proportional to my confidence and belief in myself. If I am now kinder to myself, it is because I am asking more of myself instead of expecting little. I am seeing that more is possible and I am capable of great things. When I ask more of myself and then make myself accountable to doing and being that person I am meant to be, the excuses stop and the soaring begins. I am now patient and forgiving to myself. I am not perfect nor do I expect to be. If I have a bad day on my diet or exercise regimen, I don’t have to give up completely. I WILL be 150 pounds and tone again. I now know that with certainty (15 pounds to go). AND since there is no urgency and I have a bad back, I am being so kind to myself as to not put a strict time frame to it. As long as I see improvement in my way of being, I am happy. I have a time goal AND it’s OK if I don’t reach it exactly. The journey is the important part; becoming the “ME” I am meant to BE.

Some synonyms for Kindness are compassion, sympathy, gentleness, benevolence, kindheartedness, thoughtfulness, consideration, helpfulness and humanity. Its antonym is cruelty. This leads to interesting questions.
How are you being cruel to yourself?
Do you demand too much of yourself or expect too little because you “just can’t do it?”
What have you convinced yourself is impossible that you truly want for yourself?

I now believe that everyone is capable of great things if they would just get out of their own way! When we believe our own stories of fear, self-doubt or ineptness, we are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Show yourself some kindness by believing that your goals and dreams CAN come true. You CAN make them happen. Whether it is your health, your business or something else, making it happen begins with being kind and compassionate to yourself in believing it is possible. Ask more of yourself and not less. Accept it is possible without spinning the stories and the doubt. Say yes first, and be patient.

Networking Your Way to Friendships

2009-08-13T22:01:00.001-04:00

I can live without tweets but I can’t live without friends.

The hot topic these days is social networking. Last month I went to three live networking groups where they gave presentations and all three were about twittering, facebooking and linking yourself into a connected life. I have joined all three on-line networks but my favorite networking is still in person.
Networks make me think of ways that I am reaching out to the world, collecting friends and associates. I'm in a women's community service organization, a dance class, a church choir, and exercise classes at the gym. I've also connected with many other coaches who I've met in my classes over the last few years. I'm even starting a new chapter of a women's networking group called Powerful You! After a recent launch into the business world, I want to meet new people so that I can "tell my story" and find all those people out there who want to know more about life coaching. I want to hear other peoples' stories too. I want to be a part of the personal growth that happens when people teach and support each other. And it's more than that. I have always enjoyed networking for the human contact, the support, the camaraderie and, of course, the friendships.
I love the fact that there are friends I can call on to walk my dog in an emergency, plan a trip into New York City for the day, get a pedicure, meet for lunch, plan a business workshop or cry on their shoulder on a bad day. I also like the fact that friends can count on me to visit them in the hospital or take them for Physical Therapy. That fact that I have done all of those things in the last month tells me I have some great friends and a thriving network.
It takes work to keep all that connection alive. And not everyone I stay connected to lives nearby. It takes more than tweeting or posting on walls at midnight. What it takes is time and the human voice, the empathy and the caring that friendships require. It takes personalized contact, whether by phone or email or visits. It takes effort. And it's worth it!

-Monica
(PS Thanks to Darlene for the topic suggestion! See you Monday for PT)

Prune to Your Heart's Content

2009-08-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

I live in an old farmhouse in a suburb of CT. There are many mature trees including fruit trees in our yard. Some of the fruit trees have very low laying branches that need pruning. Most of them are dead anyway. They don’t look good, they detract from the beauty of our yard and they get in the way when my husband mows the lawn! A few weeks ago our big mower broke and we had to revert to the skinny little push mower to do over an acre of grass. I took a turn mowing the lawn for father’s day. I figured it would be a big surprise for my husband when he got home from work on Friday. It took me two and a half hours to do about 2/3 of the lawn. I stopped due to fatigue and heat exhaustion and I still felt quite proud of my accomplishment. (My trainer at the gym was very proud of me too.)

One thing that really irritated me about this big chore was the low laying branches. I asked Steve how he could stand mowing around those branches! I have no idea how my husband put up with it these last 3 years, and I know he has ripped a few shirts and gouged his back or arms several times. One would think that with all the things he does around the house; repair work, furniture building, mopping the kitchen, gardening, etc, that he would have pruned those trees.

Today he finally got around to pruning those branches. I don’t know what got into him but for the 30 minutes or less that it took to prune, he will have a MUCH easier time each week. Maybe the fact that I mentioned the branches gave him the permission to prune the fruit trees. Maybe he was afraid I would think he was doing it just to make his life easier.

This got me thinking (as most parables do) about how this is a metaphor in our lives. What are the low-laying branches that need pruning in your life? Imagine how much better, easier, happier your life will be if you would do the pruning! Do you need permission or convincing to push you over the tipping point? Consider it done! You have my permission.

What small things can you do to make your life easier? What system of filing or organizational tip will help de-clutter your life? What automated system like on-line banking or EZPass can you take the time to sign up for that will have benefits for years to come? What can you say NO to that will ease your life’s burdens even if it makes someone else annoyed? Take care of those low-laying branches. Prune out the old, the ugly, or the messy clutter in your life. Prune to your hearts content and you’ll make your life easier for sure.