Relationship Tip #1

I have a unique opportunity to be a published author, part of an Anthology book with about 35 other women.  (Release date March 7, more info later.) I'm writing about my personal and professional transformation over the last few years.  Not only did I become a life and relationship coach, I became conscious of the world of relationships;  how to recognize relationship toxins and how to make conscious choices that will strengthen and nourish rather than isolate and destroy.

Relationship Tip #1 If you treasure your relationships, keep that in mind when difficulties arise. Let your actions be for the good of the relationship, not the good of your pride.

To put it another way: What is more important, the long-term health of a relationship, or winning a small battle?
If you do something that makes someone feel angry, annoyed, unheard, ignored, diminished, wrong, stupid, unimportant, etc, then admit it and apologize.  Most of the time, we don't mean to make others feel bad.  All the more reason to acknowledge that you messed up and are sorry. This is the perfect opportunity to let that other person know how much you mean to them.  Share what you treasure about your relationship and clear up any misunderstandings before they can grow into disasters.
When someone feels heard and cared for, they are able to connect with you on a whole new level.

Case in point: I had a co-facilitator on an on-going project and I was doing something that really bothered her but she hadn't shared it with me.  When she finally did, I swallowed my pride, consciously chose to apologize instead of getting defensive, and asked her what she needed me to do in order for her to feel better about things.  I didn't realize my actions were bothering her but her complaint made sense and we agreed on an action that kept us both happy. 
Imagine the outcome if I had gotten defensive.  It would have sounded more like, "I'm right and you're wrong." 
Imagine if she had yelled at me and criticized me instead of calmly expressing what was bothering her.
Remember this scenario the next time your boss says something to you or your teen makes a mistake. 
If you remain calm and keep the long-term goal of your relationship in mind, you will make the right choices.

Think of your relationship as its own separate entity.  It has needs and wants.  It needs good communication.  It needs nourishment, positive interactions, caring and love.  It needs teamwork and aligned goals. 
Good luck, and please feel free to share a time when you took the high road for the sake of your relationship.

You Wouldn’t Let Them Play With Matches, Would You?

Twenty-something years ago when my two older children were just 3 and 4 years old, I was complaining to my mother about discipline issues. The kids weren’t behaving and I was sounding rather exasperated about what I wanted them to do or didn’t want them to do. My mother said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. She said, “You wouldn’t let them play with matches, would you?” Of course I said, “No,” emphatically. And she said, “Then don’t let them do that! Don’t be wishy-washy. Be firm about what you find unacceptable behavior and they will understand.” (I think that’s the Dog Whisperer’s way of saying, “Be the Alpha Dog.”)

Fast forward 23 years and what does that have to do with finding balance and fulfillment in your family life and a strong sense of self for your children? Deciding as a parent what you believe in and the values you hold dear are important to setting the ground rules for your family life. Being wishy-washy and lax will serve no purpose in building character and commitment in your children or in yourself.

On the other hand, if you come to parenthood with a plan, work on that plan with your spouse, and continue to mold and nurture that plan, you will see wonderful things develop.
If you explore your VALUES and what you want to pass on to your children, then the teachable moments and opportunities will spring up all around you.
If you define your personal and family PRIORITIES they will become more influential in affecting your actions and COMMITMENTS.
If you learn to champion and acknowledge your children, yourself and your spouse, you will all know your STRENGTHS and will feel like you can accomplish anything.
If you’re honest about your gremlins or saboteurs, the things that hold you back in life, then you won’t pass them on to your children.

As a parent, or for any human being, if you never develop goals or a plan, you will always be tumbling in the waves of life and never riding them.
Don’t be bounced around by life and by parenthood.
Stand firm in your values, priorities, strengths, and commitments.
Do your best to champion and acknowledge the values, priorities, strengths and commitments of your family.
And don’t be wishy-washy!

Failure is not what happens when you don’t reach your goals.
Failure is never setting goals to reach for.

Monica Leggett, Life Coach for Individuals and Families looking for their best life.
Contact Monica at 203-209-5462 or Monica@newstepslifecoaching.com.

(This was the first blog I wrote over a year ago, written in honor of my mother, Mary Kay Flannery. As the mother of ten children, she saw it all, achieved so much, and was a great role model for me.)