Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark Card Day," AND it's an excuse to focus on your relationships. 
All relationships can benefit from some positivity, fun, and emotional connection.
So here are 5 Steps to a Happy Valentine's Day with your Life Partner
1. Let go of any pressing to-do's and concentrate on your partner. 
2. Smile
3. Show appreciation and gratitude for what your partner brings to your life- something like:  "I'm so happy you came into my life, you really make me feel special and loved."
4. Think about what you can do for the sake of the relationship (and not hold it over their head or as a reason that they should do something back).  Give it as a gift.
5. Stay connected to why you are with this person in the first place.

John Gottman, author of "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," states that in order for a relationship to thrive, you need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction.
That applies to your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, and your friends.
Steps 2-4 above are all about positive interaction.
Remember that rule and add positivity to every relationship.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Monica

Together We Can Create for the Sake of Our Family and Friendships

We all know this famous phrase: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country.”
Fewer know the line that follows: “My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. “

John F Kennedy spoke these words 50 years ago, on January 20, 1961. They were a call to all- to change their perspective away from being self-focused and toward being citizens of the world. I love that concept, citizen of the world. I’ve thought about these words for the last few weeks and wanted to turn it toward our relationship with loved ones.

I have taken the liberty of turning his phrasing into a motto for me on a personal scale:

“Ask not what my loved ones will do for me, but what together we can create for the sake of our family and friendships.”
What can we CREATE together? What can we deliberately do that will be for the sake of the family and friends, rather than just for me? In the long run we will benefit from the stronger connection that develops.

What might this look like in action?
• Put the laptop, iphone, or blackberry down and have a conversation
• Schedule time to do things together
• Outwardly speak words of praise, appreciation and acknowledgment
• Cook a family meal that everyone loves, even if it’s not your favorite or takes more time than usual
• Admit you are wrong when appropriate and accept an apology when it is offered
• Hold back judgment and offer acceptance instead
• Find a way to listen, even when it is the hardest
• Create clear boundaries and expectations so that there are no more toxic assumptions


The list could go on and on. What would you add?

Relationships are rarely a conscious goal, and yet when they are troubled or tension-filled, they cause the most anxiety for us. Take the time to write your list of ways to create a better relationship for the sake of your family and friendships.
Pick one thing you can do today, one you can do this week, one goal for each month of the year.


"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."
-- Rob Reiner, director

A confession for the soul

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years- "you know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I was getting. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize."

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didnt' know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on. We had a real grown up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I am encouraged to know that all these courses in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person. I want to share that with all of my clients as well. Join me for my first free teleclass March 11 at 7pm EST where we will explore positive intentions in relationships. email me at monica@newstepslifecoaching.com for more details.

De-triggering my triggered selves

I have learned something new this week. (Always a good thing) I have learned that we all have different selves within us that can get triggered when we are faced with something challenging. What's "new" about this statement is that my triggered self is not "ME." She is someone I can have a dialogue with in order to deal with her. How I deal with that triggered self is the key to going past uncomfortable moments or situations with "success" or staying stuck in my usual way of doing and being.

For instance, I set a goal to do something that will be challenging or exciting or scary. It is a goal I really want to achieve and it will make my life better. I want it with all my heart. Then poof, my triggered self gets all stirred up and takes over.
Sometimes my triggered self is fear and just stops me in my tracks. She convinces the competent Monica that it's not worth all the angst to try something scary. She is trying to protect me from failure or embarrassment. But avoiding what I truly want or need to be doing is not going to help any!
Sometimes my triggered self is anger and I blow my cool, becoming someone who is completely incapable of functioning normally! (I hate when that happens and those around me tend to duck. Luckily it doesn't happen often.)
Sometimes my triggered self is sadness (not usually around when dealing with goals but more likely when dealing with other people). When sadness takes over I lose hours to the Whoa is Me talk and being in a slump. Nothing gets accomplished.

The point about these examples is that my triggered selves (similar to a saboteur) are not functioning the way I want to be functioning. They are making matters worse for me or are keeping me stuck in a life that is not fulfilling. We all want to grow. We all want to make changes in our lives and break out of habits or create new ones that match the vision of the new self we are trying to become.

What can I do when a triggered self is around? I have created a structure to talk to her, thank her for making me aware of my edgy challenge to the status quo, and tell her to take a hike! I can take over from here. The competent Monica gets to be in charge. Yeah me! There are some body signals I can use, depending on the trigger, that will help me take over and be my most confident, calm or uplifted self. A few deep breaths always come in handy.

If you are thinking I must be some kind of crazy (and I assure you I am not), I will tell you that all this new knowledge comes from my relationship coaching classes. (Center for Right Relationships) I am learning to be in better relationship with MYSELF and to be in better relationship with those around me. This is all part of what I will bring to the table as I coach others. I have already tried the exercise on three clients this week and they all love it. To quote one, "I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me!"

If you are interested in trying the exercise with your favorite triggered self please call me. I’m loving this tool! 203-209-5462. The first session is always free and it's all done by phone, so please take me up on it!
Have a happy un-triggered day,
Monica

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