De-triggering my triggered selves

I have learned something new this week. (Always a good thing) I have learned that we all have different selves within us that can get triggered when we are faced with something challenging. What's "new" about this statement is that my triggered self is not "ME." She is someone I can have a dialogue with in order to deal with her. How I deal with that triggered self is the key to going past uncomfortable moments or situations with "success" or staying stuck in my usual way of doing and being.

For instance, I set a goal to do something that will be challenging or exciting or scary. It is a goal I really want to achieve and it will make my life better. I want it with all my heart. Then poof, my triggered self gets all stirred up and takes over.
Sometimes my triggered self is fear and just stops me in my tracks. She convinces the competent Monica that it's not worth all the angst to try something scary. She is trying to protect me from failure or embarrassment. But avoiding what I truly want or need to be doing is not going to help any!
Sometimes my triggered self is anger and I blow my cool, becoming someone who is completely incapable of functioning normally! (I hate when that happens and those around me tend to duck. Luckily it doesn't happen often.)
Sometimes my triggered self is sadness (not usually around when dealing with goals but more likely when dealing with other people). When sadness takes over I lose hours to the Whoa is Me talk and being in a slump. Nothing gets accomplished.

The point about these examples is that my triggered selves (similar to a saboteur) are not functioning the way I want to be functioning. They are making matters worse for me or are keeping me stuck in a life that is not fulfilling. We all want to grow. We all want to make changes in our lives and break out of habits or create new ones that match the vision of the new self we are trying to become.

What can I do when a triggered self is around? I have created a structure to talk to her, thank her for making me aware of my edgy challenge to the status quo, and tell her to take a hike! I can take over from here. The competent Monica gets to be in charge. Yeah me! There are some body signals I can use, depending on the trigger, that will help me take over and be my most confident, calm or uplifted self. A few deep breaths always come in handy.

If you are thinking I must be some kind of crazy (and I assure you I am not), I will tell you that all this new knowledge comes from my relationship coaching classes. (Center for Right Relationships) I am learning to be in better relationship with MYSELF and to be in better relationship with those around me. This is all part of what I will bring to the table as I coach others. I have already tried the exercise on three clients this week and they all love it. To quote one, "I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me!"

If you are interested in trying the exercise with your favorite triggered self please call me. I’m loving this tool! 203-209-5462. The first session is always free and it's all done by phone, so please take me up on it!
Have a happy un-triggered day,
Monica

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You Wouldn’t Let Them Play With Matches, Would You?

Twenty-something years ago when my two older children were just 3 and 4 years old, I was complaining to my mother about discipline issues. The kids weren’t behaving and I was sounding rather exasperated about what I wanted them to do or didn’t want them to do. My mother said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. She said, “You wouldn’t let them play with matches, would you?” Of course I said, “No,” emphatically. And she said, “Then don’t let them do that! Don’t be wishy-washy. Be firm about what you find unacceptable behavior and they will understand.” (I think that’s the Dog Whisperer’s way of saying, “Be the Alpha Dog.”)

Fast forward 23 years and what does that have to do with finding balance and fulfillment in your family life and a strong sense of self for your children? Deciding as a parent what you believe in and the values you hold dear are important to setting the ground rules for your family life. Being wishy-washy and lax will serve no purpose in building character and commitment in your children or in yourself.

On the other hand, if you come to parenthood with a plan, work on that plan with your spouse, and continue to mold and nurture that plan, you will see wonderful things develop.
If you explore your VALUES and what you want to pass on to your children, then the teachable moments and opportunities will spring up all around you.
If you define your personal and family PRIORITIES they will become more influential in affecting your actions and COMMITMENTS.
If you learn to champion and acknowledge your children, yourself and your spouse, you will all know your STRENGTHS and will feel like you can accomplish anything.
If you’re honest about your gremlins or saboteurs, the things that hold you back in life, then you won’t pass them on to your children.

As a parent, or for any human being, if you never develop goals or a plan, you will always be tumbling in the waves of life and never riding them.
Don’t be bounced around by life and by parenthood.
Stand firm in your values, priorities, strengths, and commitments.
Do your best to champion and acknowledge the values, priorities, strengths and commitments of your family.
And don’t be wishy-washy!

Failure is not what happens when you don’t reach your goals.
Failure is never setting goals to reach for.

Monica Leggett, Life Coach for Individuals and Families looking for their best life.
Contact Monica at 203-209-5462 or Monica@newstepslifecoaching.com.

(This was the first blog I wrote over a year ago, written in honor of my mother, Mary Kay Flannery. As the mother of ten children, she saw it all, achieved so much, and was a great role model for me.)

Serendipitous Moment

I’ve been “blogless” due to other writing responsibilities but now I’ve been inspired! Have you ever had an issue or topic on your mind and then you just happen to find a quote or article that exactly matches what you are trying to say? That has happened to me a few times in my life. Several years ago I was preparing for my installation as the President of my community service organization. I had no idea what I was going to say that evening as I accepted my position. And then I read my daily horoscope. I forget what it said now, but it was perfect and I shared the message with my friends that night. I remember sharing how serendipity plays a part in our lives at the strangest times.
Just the other day it happened to me again. I had spent several weeks working on a newsletter and then a workshop, both dealing with habits and goals. I was getting off track, way behind schedule but I took a break to check through my emails. That’s when I found “Quote of the day” sitting in my in-box. It was from Brian Tracy, a motivational speaker, author and trainer. I get a new quote sent to me almost every day. If I had been using my “Important VS Unimportant” strategy encouraged by Stephen Covey, I would have skipped the email and gone back to my writing. But something told me to open it. The quote said, “A Goal Without a Plan is Only a Dream.”
Here I was trying to put my thoughts into a two-hour workshop about creating goals and making dreams a reality and these 9 words hit my in-box. They say it all. They hopefully motivate someone to make their dreams a reality by taking their goals and making them part of a full plan. As I wrote in my newsletter a few weeks ago, I believe that the way to create a master plan takes dreams, then planning, then specific goals, and then steps to take action. And here was this brief quote reinforcing all I wanted to teach!
In my workshop today, 24 participants and I took a goal that meant a lot to many of them, “I will de-clutter my home by Dec. 20, 2009” and we created a plan that everyone in the room could believe in. We took a dream, a dream that clearly meant a lot to the woman who suggested it, and we broke it down into manageable steps. As part of the full goal we picked one room, the kitchen and figured out 10 areas to focus on- countertops, fridge, table top, junk drawer, etc. We calculated an estimate for each area and decided that a typical messy kitchen could take up to 12 hours to purge, scour, organize and declutter. We discussed all the saboteur voices that might try to discourage us like, ”It will be too hard or too overwhelming or too time consuming.” We found a positive perspective, “It is possible if I break it into manageable steps and put the time blocks in my calendar.” Someone mentioned the strategy of “Only touch each item once.” In other words don’t move things into this pile and then that one and then set it aside to eventually do something about it. That led to a discussion about preparing places ahead of time to put important papers.
At the end of a 15-minute discussion we had a plan that most people in the room could move forward with. We took a goal, created a plan, and made people hopeful that a dream could become reality.
In today’s story, a goal plus a plan can make a dream come true!
[That is what coaching is all about! It’s like buying a self-help book and being personally guided by the author! If you want some help in the same way just call me! I do free sample sessions several times a week. 203-209-5462.]