I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years, "You know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I became. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize."
In the past I hated apologizing. I could hear myself say that I should apologize but something always stopped me. I struggled with the words and the feelings that led up to saying them. It meant you had to acknowledge wrongdoing, which I normally ran away from. I could blame it all on my parents- they never apologized either. But I will own this personality defect. I’m a grown woman and now I know better. I am encouraged to know that all the courses I’ve taken in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person.
I studied relationships because my selfish stubbornness ruined a very important relationship in my life. You could say I learned the hard way that no matter whether you are right or wrong it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you make a person feel. Accepting that another person was hurt in the crossfire and apologizing for your part in it, is much more important in the long run.
Now that I’ve practiced it a few times, I know that apologizing isn’t putting a giant target on your chest and saying, “I’m a bad girl.” It’s admitting that you messed up, you didn’t do the best job at something and you’re not perfect. The reality is, no one is perfect. If you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings it is important to the other person to hear that. Plain and simple. Acknowledge how your words and actions make people feel and be more committed to be conscious of it in the future.
I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didn’t know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on.
We had a real grown-up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me!
You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!
I've written my true story of personal and relationship transformation for the book, Empowering Transformations for Women, found on Amazon.com and on my website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com/products_and_services_payment
