Be grateful, be glad, and be joyful

I just saw a quote today that struck to the core of human relationships. It was written in 1790 by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

As we head into the holiday season, we can approach the world in a few different ways. Having "The Christmas Spirit" through the eyes of Goethe might be to have a personal approach and a mood that will create a humanizing response to anything that goes on; forgiving, generous, hopeful. If you are a "Scrooge," you might be short-tempered, quick to blame, ready to pick a fight. Which temperament do you choose to carry with you this holiday season and for the rest of your life?

"If we treat people as they are, we make them worse." What does that mean? One thing I think it means is that if someone is grumpy or short with you and you respond in kind, you take yourself down to their level instead of bringing them up to yours. That only escalates the de-humanizing way we treat each other. If instead you react cheerfully and with humor and respect, "and treat them as they ought to be," you are both lifted to a level of common decency that you can feel good about. If they don't follow suit, it is their problem, not yours. Don't let them turn you into a Scrooge.

For this holiday season and the years to come:
Think of all that is possible, not about past short-falls.
Think the most of people, not about their short-comings.
Think how YOU can make things better, not about what others SHOULD do.
Call me a Pollyanna, but I'd rather be glad than mad. I'd rather look for the good in people and believe they are capable of great things, than assume the worst and prove my thoughts right.
Let's help people "become what they are capable of becoming."

I am grateful for my family, the people in my life, and the path that has lead me to writing this blog!
Have a great and grateful holiday season with family and friends.

A New Life is Calling Me- Weddings!

Have you ever been drawn to something and can't pull yourself away? I'm not talking about a car crash on the highway, I'm talking about a presence or event or activity in your life. Some people get obsessed by a book series, or their favorite TV show, or Facebook. I am now obsessed with wedding websites and wanting to be on one of them. I am officially announcing myself as a wedding coach. It's not like I haven't lived and breathed it for the better part of the last 2+ years. My son got married two summers ago. I wasn't that involved with the planning but it was a good primer for things to come and I learned a lot about how roles change and intertwine. My older daughter was engaged by that time, and we spent the next year planning everything down to the last detail (at least 13 different vendors) for their big day. It was a great experience! We finished the year with a super special wedding day and a stronger relationship. No horror stories for us, only teamwork, good planning, and fun! (Ask me about the mother-daughter dance).

My younger daughter is now engaged to her long-time beau. We knew it was coming and had talked about possible venues, themes, and priorities for the budget-a Swing Band for sure! You could say we had talked about her “High Dream” for the wedding day. Once the official engagement was here we were ready! We all kicked into high gear and had 5 key things booked in 21 days: our local church and choir, a fabulous historic reception site (priority #1), a caterer who is familiar with said fabulous site, a Swing Band, and the hotel block of rooms for all the out-of-town guests! Not bad for the fact that the bride, the groom and mom live in three different states! We have a budget outlined, and so far we are doing fabulously!

Planning a wedding takes an open mind, lots of stamina, good goal setting, budget minding, and time management skills, and the ability to balance the wants and needs of a lot of important people in your life. Now that I am a trained life and relationship coach, I am going to throw my hat in the ring and permanently live in the world of weddings! I belong here. I'm comfortable and experienced here. I'm not leaving my other clients (entrepreneurial women, moms), I'm just adding to them. They all have something in common; they are seeking a fulfilled, happy life and they deserve to have an advocate by their side.

I want to help Brides (and their moms) remain calm and in control while also enjoying the dreaming and exploring of options. I want to help discover what they want for themselves and their marriage. I want to help them consciously live the most exciting year of their life with a plan to strengthen their relationships with eyes wide open. No hiding behind hurt feelings or avoiding sticky subjects. And No Bridezilla's! No one wants to be that out-of-control person who is on the verge of tears all the time. There is a better way. And I can show them how. Having a wedding coach (AKA personal and relationship coach) is the answer to supporting the bride and the bride's most intimate relationships. It’s not just about the wedding day, it’s about the journey before and after the big day!

Know any newly engaged women or their moms? Pass this on!
Monica Leggett, CPCC
Life and relationship coach
Wedding coach for the bride and/or mother-of-the-bride (she needs help too!)
www.newstepslifecoaching.com
203-209-5462

De-triggering my triggered selves

I have learned something new this week. (Always a good thing) I have learned that we all have different selves within us that can get triggered when we are faced with something challenging. What's "new" about this statement is that my triggered self is not "ME." She is someone I can have a dialogue with in order to deal with her. How I deal with that triggered self is the key to going past uncomfortable moments or situations with "success" or staying stuck in my usual way of doing and being.

For instance, I set a goal to do something that will be challenging or exciting or scary. It is a goal I really want to achieve and it will make my life better. I want it with all my heart. Then poof, my triggered self gets all stirred up and takes over.
Sometimes my triggered self is fear and just stops me in my tracks. She convinces the competent Monica that it's not worth all the angst to try something scary. She is trying to protect me from failure or embarrassment. But avoiding what I truly want or need to be doing is not going to help any!
Sometimes my triggered self is anger and I blow my cool, becoming someone who is completely incapable of functioning normally! (I hate when that happens and those around me tend to duck. Luckily it doesn't happen often.)
Sometimes my triggered self is sadness (not usually around when dealing with goals but more likely when dealing with other people). When sadness takes over I lose hours to the Whoa is Me talk and being in a slump. Nothing gets accomplished.

The point about these examples is that my triggered selves (similar to a saboteur) are not functioning the way I want to be functioning. They are making matters worse for me or are keeping me stuck in a life that is not fulfilling. We all want to grow. We all want to make changes in our lives and break out of habits or create new ones that match the vision of the new self we are trying to become.

What can I do when a triggered self is around? I have created a structure to talk to her, thank her for making me aware of my edgy challenge to the status quo, and tell her to take a hike! I can take over from here. The competent Monica gets to be in charge. Yeah me! There are some body signals I can use, depending on the trigger, that will help me take over and be my most confident, calm or uplifted self. A few deep breaths always come in handy.

If you are thinking I must be some kind of crazy (and I assure you I am not), I will tell you that all this new knowledge comes from my relationship coaching classes. (Center for Right Relationships) I am learning to be in better relationship with MYSELF and to be in better relationship with those around me. This is all part of what I will bring to the table as I coach others. I have already tried the exercise on three clients this week and they all love it. To quote one, "I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me!"

If you are interested in trying the exercise with your favorite triggered self please call me. I’m loving this tool! 203-209-5462. The first session is always free and it's all done by phone, so please take me up on it!
Have a happy un-triggered day,
Monica

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You Wouldn’t Let Them Play With Matches, Would You?

Twenty-something years ago when my two older children were just 3 and 4 years old, I was complaining to my mother about discipline issues. The kids weren’t behaving and I was sounding rather exasperated about what I wanted them to do or didn’t want them to do. My mother said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. She said, “You wouldn’t let them play with matches, would you?” Of course I said, “No,” emphatically. And she said, “Then don’t let them do that! Don’t be wishy-washy. Be firm about what you find unacceptable behavior and they will understand.” (I think that’s the Dog Whisperer’s way of saying, “Be the Alpha Dog.”)

Fast forward 23 years and what does that have to do with finding balance and fulfillment in your family life and a strong sense of self for your children? Deciding as a parent what you believe in and the values you hold dear are important to setting the ground rules for your family life. Being wishy-washy and lax will serve no purpose in building character and commitment in your children or in yourself.

On the other hand, if you come to parenthood with a plan, work on that plan with your spouse, and continue to mold and nurture that plan, you will see wonderful things develop.
If you explore your VALUES and what you want to pass on to your children, then the teachable moments and opportunities will spring up all around you.
If you define your personal and family PRIORITIES they will become more influential in affecting your actions and COMMITMENTS.
If you learn to champion and acknowledge your children, yourself and your spouse, you will all know your STRENGTHS and will feel like you can accomplish anything.
If you’re honest about your gremlins or saboteurs, the things that hold you back in life, then you won’t pass them on to your children.

As a parent, or for any human being, if you never develop goals or a plan, you will always be tumbling in the waves of life and never riding them.
Don’t be bounced around by life and by parenthood.
Stand firm in your values, priorities, strengths, and commitments.
Do your best to champion and acknowledge the values, priorities, strengths and commitments of your family.
And don’t be wishy-washy!

Failure is not what happens when you don’t reach your goals.
Failure is never setting goals to reach for.

Monica Leggett, Life Coach for Individuals and Families looking for their best life.
Contact Monica at 203-209-5462 or Monica@newstepslifecoaching.com.

(This was the first blog I wrote over a year ago, written in honor of my mother, Mary Kay Flannery. As the mother of ten children, she saw it all, achieved so much, and was a great role model for me.)

Serendipitous Moment

I’ve been “blogless” due to other writing responsibilities but now I’ve been inspired! Have you ever had an issue or topic on your mind and then you just happen to find a quote or article that exactly matches what you are trying to say? That has happened to me a few times in my life. Several years ago I was preparing for my installation as the President of my community service organization. I had no idea what I was going to say that evening as I accepted my position. And then I read my daily horoscope. I forget what it said now, but it was perfect and I shared the message with my friends that night. I remember sharing how serendipity plays a part in our lives at the strangest times.
Just the other day it happened to me again. I had spent several weeks working on a newsletter and then a workshop, both dealing with habits and goals. I was getting off track, way behind schedule but I took a break to check through my emails. That’s when I found “Quote of the day” sitting in my in-box. It was from Brian Tracy, a motivational speaker, author and trainer. I get a new quote sent to me almost every day. If I had been using my “Important VS Unimportant” strategy encouraged by Stephen Covey, I would have skipped the email and gone back to my writing. But something told me to open it. The quote said, “A Goal Without a Plan is Only a Dream.”
Here I was trying to put my thoughts into a two-hour workshop about creating goals and making dreams a reality and these 9 words hit my in-box. They say it all. They hopefully motivate someone to make their dreams a reality by taking their goals and making them part of a full plan. As I wrote in my newsletter a few weeks ago, I believe that the way to create a master plan takes dreams, then planning, then specific goals, and then steps to take action. And here was this brief quote reinforcing all I wanted to teach!
In my workshop today, 24 participants and I took a goal that meant a lot to many of them, “I will de-clutter my home by Dec. 20, 2009” and we created a plan that everyone in the room could believe in. We took a dream, a dream that clearly meant a lot to the woman who suggested it, and we broke it down into manageable steps. As part of the full goal we picked one room, the kitchen and figured out 10 areas to focus on- countertops, fridge, table top, junk drawer, etc. We calculated an estimate for each area and decided that a typical messy kitchen could take up to 12 hours to purge, scour, organize and declutter. We discussed all the saboteur voices that might try to discourage us like, ”It will be too hard or too overwhelming or too time consuming.” We found a positive perspective, “It is possible if I break it into manageable steps and put the time blocks in my calendar.” Someone mentioned the strategy of “Only touch each item once.” In other words don’t move things into this pile and then that one and then set it aside to eventually do something about it. That led to a discussion about preparing places ahead of time to put important papers.
At the end of a 15-minute discussion we had a plan that most people in the room could move forward with. We took a goal, created a plan, and made people hopeful that a dream could become reality.
In today’s story, a goal plus a plan can make a dream come true!
[That is what coaching is all about! It’s like buying a self-help book and being personally guided by the author! If you want some help in the same way just call me! I do free sample sessions several times a week. 203-209-5462.]

Kindness is Asking More, Not Less

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”
From “The Lion and the Mouse,” by Aesop

I have been very conscious of that quote most of my life. It is printed next to my photo in my high school yearbook. Now it sits on my desk- I saved it from a mailing asking for a donation. There could be no better example of a “goodie two shoes” than me. In junior high I had an article in the school paper written about me called, “A Friendly Face.” My daughters roasted me during my 50th birthday bash. They tried to collect “wild and crazy” stories about me and no one had anything to say! Instead they came up with “The Top Ten Reasons Why Mom’s a Goodie Two Shoes.” (One of them was the article!) I was quoted as giving this advice to make friends, “Don’t get hang-ups on how people act, say hello first, try not to be angry and obnoxious, and be patient.” What brilliance from a ninth grader! These are true examples of being kind first and asking questions later.

Kindness for others doesn’t always transfer over to kindness to myself. I can be overly critical or think little of my abilities, my methods, my orderliness. My lack of ambition was directly proportional to my confidence and belief in myself. If I am now kinder to myself, it is because I am asking more of myself instead of expecting little. I am seeing that more is possible and I am capable of great things. When I ask more of myself and then make myself accountable to doing and being that person I am meant to be, the excuses stop and the soaring begins. I am now patient and forgiving to myself. I am not perfect nor do I expect to be. If I have a bad day on my diet or exercise regimen, I don’t have to give up completely. I WILL be 150 pounds and tone again. I now know that with certainty (15 pounds to go). AND since there is no urgency and I have a bad back, I am being so kind to myself as to not put a strict time frame to it. As long as I see improvement in my way of being, I am happy. I have a time goal AND it’s OK if I don’t reach it exactly. The journey is the important part; becoming the “ME” I am meant to BE.

Some synonyms for Kindness are compassion, sympathy, gentleness, benevolence, kindheartedness, thoughtfulness, consideration, helpfulness and humanity. Its antonym is cruelty. This leads to interesting questions.
How are you being cruel to yourself?
Do you demand too much of yourself or expect too little because you “just can’t do it?”
What have you convinced yourself is impossible that you truly want for yourself?

I now believe that everyone is capable of great things if they would just get out of their own way! When we believe our own stories of fear, self-doubt or ineptness, we are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Show yourself some kindness by believing that your goals and dreams CAN come true. You CAN make them happen. Whether it is your health, your business or something else, making it happen begins with being kind and compassionate to yourself in believing it is possible. Ask more of yourself and not less. Accept it is possible without spinning the stories and the doubt. Say yes first, and be patient.

Networking Your Way to Friendships

I can live without tweets but I can’t live without friends.

The hot topic these days is social networking. Last month I went to three live networking groups where they gave presentations and all three were about twittering, facebooking and linking yourself into a connected life. I have joined all three on-line networks but my favorite networking is still in person.
Networks make me think of ways that I am reaching out to the world, collecting friends and associates. I'm in a women's community service organization, a dance class, a church choir, and exercise classes at the gym. I've also connected with many other coaches who I've met in my classes over the last few years. I'm even starting a new chapter of a women's networking group called Powerful You! After a recent launch into the business world, I want to meet new people so that I can "tell my story" and find all those people out there who want to know more about life coaching. I want to hear other peoples' stories too. I want to be a part of the personal growth that happens when people teach and support each other. And it's more than that. I have always enjoyed networking for the human contact, the support, the camaraderie and, of course, the friendships.
I love the fact that there are friends I can call on to walk my dog in an emergency, plan a trip into New York City for the day, get a pedicure, meet for lunch, plan a business workshop or cry on their shoulder on a bad day. I also like the fact that friends can count on me to visit them in the hospital or take them for Physical Therapy. That fact that I have done all of those things in the last month tells me I have some great friends and a thriving network.
It takes work to keep all that connection alive. And not everyone I stay connected to lives nearby. It takes more than tweeting or posting on walls at midnight. What it takes is time and the human voice, the empathy and the caring that friendships require. It takes personalized contact, whether by phone or email or visits. It takes effort. And it's worth it!

-Monica
(PS Thanks to Darlene for the topic suggestion! See you Monday for PT)

Prune to Your Heart's Content

I live in an old farmhouse in a suburb of CT. There are many mature trees including fruit trees in our yard. Some of the fruit trees have very low laying branches that need pruning. Most of them are dead anyway. They don’t look good, they detract from the beauty of our yard and they get in the way when my husband mows the lawn! A few weeks ago our big mower broke and we had to revert to the skinny little push mower to do over an acre of grass. I took a turn mowing the lawn for father’s day. I figured it would be a big surprise for my husband when he got home from work on Friday. It took me two and a half hours to do about 2/3 of the lawn. I stopped due to fatigue and heat exhaustion and I still felt quite proud of my accomplishment. (My trainer at the gym was very proud of me too.)

One thing that really irritated me about this big chore was the low laying branches. I asked Steve how he could stand mowing around those branches! I have no idea how my husband put up with it these last 3 years, and I know he has ripped a few shirts and gouged his back or arms several times. One would think that with all the things he does around the house; repair work, furniture building, mopping the kitchen, gardening, etc, that he would have pruned those trees.

Today he finally got around to pruning those branches. I don’t know what got into him but for the 30 minutes or less that it took to prune, he will have a MUCH easier time each week. Maybe the fact that I mentioned the branches gave him the permission to prune the fruit trees. Maybe he was afraid I would think he was doing it just to make his life easier.

This got me thinking (as most parables do) about how this is a metaphor in our lives. What are the low-laying branches that need pruning in your life? Imagine how much better, easier, happier your life will be if you would do the pruning! Do you need permission or convincing to push you over the tipping point? Consider it done! You have my permission.

What small things can you do to make your life easier? What system of filing or organizational tip will help de-clutter your life? What automated system like on-line banking or EZPass can you take the time to sign up for that will have benefits for years to come? What can you say NO to that will ease your life’s burdens even if it makes someone else annoyed? Take care of those low-laying branches. Prune out the old, the ugly, or the messy clutter in your life. Prune to your hearts content and you’ll make your life easier for sure.