Confession of the Soul, Learn to Apologize

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years, "You know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I became. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize." 

In the past I hated apologizing.  I could hear myself say that I should apologize but something always stopped me.  I struggled with the words and the feelings that led up to saying them.  It meant you had to acknowledge wrongdoing, which I normally ran away from.  I could blame it all on my parents- they never apologized either.  But I will own this personality defect.  I’m a grown woman and now I know better.  I am encouraged to know that all the courses I’ve taken in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person.

I studied relationships because my selfish stubbornness ruined a very important relationship in my life.  You could say I learned the hard way that no matter whether you are right or wrong it doesn’t matter.  What matters is how you make a person feel.  Accepting that another person was hurt in the crossfire and apologizing for your part in it, is much more important in the long run.

Now that I’ve practiced it a few times, I know that apologizing isn’t putting a giant target on your chest and saying, “I’m a bad girl.”  It’s admitting that you messed up, you didn’t do the best job at something and you’re not perfect.  The reality is, no one is perfect.  If you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings it is important to the other person to hear that.  Plain and simple.  Acknowledge how your words and actions make people feel and be more committed to be conscious of it in the future.

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didn’t know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on.

We had a real grown-up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I've written my true story of personal and relationship transformation for the book, Empowering Transformations for Women, found on Amazon.com and on my website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com/products_and_services_payment

Together We Can Create for the Sake of Our Family and Friendships

We all know this famous phrase: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country.”
Fewer know the line that follows: “My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. “

John F Kennedy spoke these words 50 years ago, on January 20, 1961. They were a call to all- to change their perspective away from being self-focused and toward being citizens of the world. I love that concept, citizen of the world. I’ve thought about these words for the last few weeks and wanted to turn it toward our relationship with loved ones.

I have taken the liberty of turning his phrasing into a motto for me on a personal scale:

“Ask not what my loved ones will do for me, but what together we can create for the sake of our family and friendships.”
What can we CREATE together? What can we deliberately do that will be for the sake of the family and friends, rather than just for me? In the long run we will benefit from the stronger connection that develops.

What might this look like in action?
• Put the laptop, iphone, or blackberry down and have a conversation
• Schedule time to do things together
• Outwardly speak words of praise, appreciation and acknowledgment
• Cook a family meal that everyone loves, even if it’s not your favorite or takes more time than usual
• Admit you are wrong when appropriate and accept an apology when it is offered
• Hold back judgment and offer acceptance instead
• Find a way to listen, even when it is the hardest
• Create clear boundaries and expectations so that there are no more toxic assumptions


The list could go on and on. What would you add?

Relationships are rarely a conscious goal, and yet when they are troubled or tension-filled, they cause the most anxiety for us. Take the time to write your list of ways to create a better relationship for the sake of your family and friendships.
Pick one thing you can do today, one you can do this week, one goal for each month of the year.


"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."
-- Rob Reiner, director

Networking Your Way to Friendships

I can live without tweets but I can’t live without friends.

The hot topic these days is social networking. Last month I went to three live networking groups where they gave presentations and all three were about twittering, facebooking and linking yourself into a connected life. I have joined all three on-line networks but my favorite networking is still in person.
Networks make me think of ways that I am reaching out to the world, collecting friends and associates. I'm in a women's community service organization, a dance class, a church choir, and exercise classes at the gym. I've also connected with many other coaches who I've met in my classes over the last few years. I'm even starting a new chapter of a women's networking group called Powerful You! After a recent launch into the business world, I want to meet new people so that I can "tell my story" and find all those people out there who want to know more about life coaching. I want to hear other peoples' stories too. I want to be a part of the personal growth that happens when people teach and support each other. And it's more than that. I have always enjoyed networking for the human contact, the support, the camaraderie and, of course, the friendships.
I love the fact that there are friends I can call on to walk my dog in an emergency, plan a trip into New York City for the day, get a pedicure, meet for lunch, plan a business workshop or cry on their shoulder on a bad day. I also like the fact that friends can count on me to visit them in the hospital or take them for Physical Therapy. That fact that I have done all of those things in the last month tells me I have some great friends and a thriving network.
It takes work to keep all that connection alive. And not everyone I stay connected to lives nearby. It takes more than tweeting or posting on walls at midnight. What it takes is time and the human voice, the empathy and the caring that friendships require. It takes personalized contact, whether by phone or email or visits. It takes effort. And it's worth it!

-Monica
(PS Thanks to Darlene for the topic suggestion! See you Monday for PT)