Confession of the Soul, Learn to Apologize

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years, "You know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I became. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize." 

In the past I hated apologizing.  I could hear myself say that I should apologize but something always stopped me.  I struggled with the words and the feelings that led up to saying them.  It meant you had to acknowledge wrongdoing, which I normally ran away from.  I could blame it all on my parents- they never apologized either.  But I will own this personality defect.  I’m a grown woman and now I know better.  I am encouraged to know that all the courses I’ve taken in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person.

I studied relationships because my selfish stubbornness ruined a very important relationship in my life.  You could say I learned the hard way that no matter whether you are right or wrong it doesn’t matter.  What matters is how you make a person feel.  Accepting that another person was hurt in the crossfire and apologizing for your part in it, is much more important in the long run.

Now that I’ve practiced it a few times, I know that apologizing isn’t putting a giant target on your chest and saying, “I’m a bad girl.”  It’s admitting that you messed up, you didn’t do the best job at something and you’re not perfect.  The reality is, no one is perfect.  If you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings it is important to the other person to hear that.  Plain and simple.  Acknowledge how your words and actions make people feel and be more committed to be conscious of it in the future.

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didn’t know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on.

We had a real grown-up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I've written my true story of personal and relationship transformation for the book, Empowering Transformations for Women, found on Amazon.com and on my website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com/products_and_services_payment

Relationship Tip #1

I have a unique opportunity to be a published author, part of an Anthology book with about 35 other women.  (Release date March 7, more info later.) I'm writing about my personal and professional transformation over the last few years.  Not only did I become a life and relationship coach, I became conscious of the world of relationships;  how to recognize relationship toxins and how to make conscious choices that will strengthen and nourish rather than isolate and destroy.

Relationship Tip #1 If you treasure your relationships, keep that in mind when difficulties arise. Let your actions be for the good of the relationship, not the good of your pride.

To put it another way: What is more important, the long-term health of a relationship, or winning a small battle?
If you do something that makes someone feel angry, annoyed, unheard, ignored, diminished, wrong, stupid, unimportant, etc, then admit it and apologize.  Most of the time, we don't mean to make others feel bad.  All the more reason to acknowledge that you messed up and are sorry. This is the perfect opportunity to let that other person know how much you mean to them.  Share what you treasure about your relationship and clear up any misunderstandings before they can grow into disasters.
When someone feels heard and cared for, they are able to connect with you on a whole new level.

Case in point: I had a co-facilitator on an on-going project and I was doing something that really bothered her but she hadn't shared it with me.  When she finally did, I swallowed my pride, consciously chose to apologize instead of getting defensive, and asked her what she needed me to do in order for her to feel better about things.  I didn't realize my actions were bothering her but her complaint made sense and we agreed on an action that kept us both happy. 
Imagine the outcome if I had gotten defensive.  It would have sounded more like, "I'm right and you're wrong." 
Imagine if she had yelled at me and criticized me instead of calmly expressing what was bothering her.
Remember this scenario the next time your boss says something to you or your teen makes a mistake. 
If you remain calm and keep the long-term goal of your relationship in mind, you will make the right choices.

Think of your relationship as its own separate entity.  It has needs and wants.  It needs good communication.  It needs nourishment, positive interactions, caring and love.  It needs teamwork and aligned goals. 
Good luck, and please feel free to share a time when you took the high road for the sake of your relationship.

Forgiveness and apologies

“We must forgive those we feel have wronged us, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don’t want to keep paying for the injustice.”
Quote from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and to the person you are forgiving. If you hold on to a grudge it will eat away at you and your other relationships. Many a family, friendship, and work setting has been torn apart by a grudge. I know from direct experience.

If someone offends you in some way, I'd like you to keep a few things in mind.
*They may not have intended to hurt you.
*There might be information you are not aware of.
*If their offense is connected to a personality trait, (she's always so nosey), it may actually be your interpretation of that trait. Maybe she is just curious, or socially awkward, trying to fit in...
*You can't change another person, you can only change what you think and what you do about it.

Apologies and forgiveness. They go hand in hand. As someone who has a hard time with apologies, I will admit I had a hard time forgiving as well. Now I try to offer them up as instantly as I perceive they are needed. We are all human and humans make mistakes. To believe otherwise is foolishness.

So go out there and make amends where ever it is needed. Everyone deserves a second chance. You will feel better, and so will they! That's what peace of mind is all about- to know that you have done everything possible for yourself and others. Let go of that grudge!

A confession for the soul

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years- "you know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I was getting. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize."

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didnt' know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on. We had a real grown up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I am encouraged to know that all these courses in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person. I want to share that with all of my clients as well. Join me for my first free teleclass March 11 at 7pm EST where we will explore positive intentions in relationships. email me at monica@newstepslifecoaching.com for more details.