The Choice Is Yours-Time and Substance

We all make choices hundreds of times a day. What to eat, what to wear, what to do each moment of the day. We often make our choices based on external forces and stimulus, rather than our core beliefs and priorities. Somewhere we lose ourselves and let outside influences control us more than they should. They decide for us what is urgent. They tell us we should do this or that... Who or what are they? Boy, that could be a long list! Spouses, family members, the media, "society", the voice of the past, the gremlins that haunt us and tell us we (can't, shouldn't, must, have to...). But ultimately, we have the final choice.
In my search for personal growth and understanding I have chosen to do a lot of reading. The following time-management concept comes from Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

Everything we do fits into one of these four quadrants:
Important and urgent
Important and not urgent
Unimportant and urgent
Unimportant and not urgent.

So what do we chose to do when the "phone is ringing" (urgent and unimportant), or something equally loud and demanding is happening ? If you chose to answer the loud "phone", what do you have to say no to in order to take time for the phone call? No time to exercise or cook healthy food, no time to read that book you've been really wanting to read, no time to contemplate that change in career, not enough quality time with your family, not enough time for a good night's sleep... Maybe that "phone call" is really channel surfing on TV or playing freecell on the computer. (I am the first to admit to this fault.) Maybe its spending time with people who aren't really a priority instead of the ones who are. What are the consequences of your choices?
Are you stepping over your values in order to answer that "urgent" interruption?

If you spent the next 30 minutes writing down 10 things that you would LIKE to spend your time on over the next hour, week or month, it will help you focus on what is really important to you.  These are the important and not urgent things that will make a difference in your life.

Here is some of my list:
Work on my book: The Empowered Bride
Crochet an afghan for my friend's baby.
Print off some of the photos from my trip last October and my daughter's wedding in August.
Organize and de-clutter my closet so I can find everything.
Write 2 presentations to expand my repertoire for Lunch and Learns in the corporate setting.
Work out to my Dancing with the Stars video

The game plan to make these "Wants" a reality includes estimating time needed, putting them on your calendar, believing they are important to you and worthy of your time, and then getting them done!  Connect to the "Why so important." How will you feel when they are done?  What benefits do they have for you, for your family or co-workers or friends?

Stay connected to your why and you will find a way to make them happen.
And find an accountability partner to insure you stay on top of things!

Healthy Tips for the Holidays and New Year

I received an inquiry from a reporter for weight-loss tips for the holidays.  I thought I would turn my answer into a blog post.  Enjoy.


1. share a personal tip on how to avoid gaining pounds this holiday season?
Give yourself permission to have a few small portions of sweets or your favorite indulgence over the holidays, not all day every day for two weeks! Decide ahead of time what is acceptable and then no more.  It's not the small indulgences, it's taking it to extremes that will add 5-10 pounds! Balance out the "junk food" calories with something healthy.

2. How do you get past all the New Year pound-shedding resolution noise or gimmicks?
Losing weight and keeping it off is a lifestyle choice, not a fad or gimmick.  If you look at how much and when you are eating, perhaps keeping a food diary for a week, you'll probably notice a trend.  If you are eating for the sake of eating because you are emotionally hungry or anxious, then you have to address that, not just the food choices.  If you don't know what food is better for you, then learn.  If you need ideas for healthy snacks, google it.  Set yourself up for winning, not for failure, by really looking at what has gotten you to this point in the first place.  And then find a buddy to keep you accountable.  A life coach is very helpful accountability partner. (Hint, hint!)

3. Share your experience and or interesting related story?
I coached a woman about the big family transition she was going through: second marriage, two young babies, no time for herself.  With only 3 conversations over the course of a month, she addressed some key beliefs she had about what was making her feel restless and unhappy.  Without even trying, she lost 15 pounds in less than a month because she was no longer emotionally eating.  She was making good choices that fit into her lifestyle, such as healthy food, short yoga and meditation exercises, and a new perspective that helped her love her life again.

Hope this was helpful.  Any other ideas you want help on?

Relationship Tip #1

I have a unique opportunity to be a published author, part of an Anthology book with about 35 other women.  (Release date March 7, more info later.) I'm writing about my personal and professional transformation over the last few years.  Not only did I become a life and relationship coach, I became conscious of the world of relationships;  how to recognize relationship toxins and how to make conscious choices that will strengthen and nourish rather than isolate and destroy.

Relationship Tip #1 If you treasure your relationships, keep that in mind when difficulties arise. Let your actions be for the good of the relationship, not the good of your pride.

To put it another way: What is more important, the long-term health of a relationship, or winning a small battle?
If you do something that makes someone feel angry, annoyed, unheard, ignored, diminished, wrong, stupid, unimportant, etc, then admit it and apologize.  Most of the time, we don't mean to make others feel bad.  All the more reason to acknowledge that you messed up and are sorry. This is the perfect opportunity to let that other person know how much you mean to them.  Share what you treasure about your relationship and clear up any misunderstandings before they can grow into disasters.
When someone feels heard and cared for, they are able to connect with you on a whole new level.

Case in point: I had a co-facilitator on an on-going project and I was doing something that really bothered her but she hadn't shared it with me.  When she finally did, I swallowed my pride, consciously chose to apologize instead of getting defensive, and asked her what she needed me to do in order for her to feel better about things.  I didn't realize my actions were bothering her but her complaint made sense and we agreed on an action that kept us both happy. 
Imagine the outcome if I had gotten defensive.  It would have sounded more like, "I'm right and you're wrong." 
Imagine if she had yelled at me and criticized me instead of calmly expressing what was bothering her.
Remember this scenario the next time your boss says something to you or your teen makes a mistake. 
If you remain calm and keep the long-term goal of your relationship in mind, you will make the right choices.

Think of your relationship as its own separate entity.  It has needs and wants.  It needs good communication.  It needs nourishment, positive interactions, caring and love.  It needs teamwork and aligned goals. 
Good luck, and please feel free to share a time when you took the high road for the sake of your relationship.

Vacations- Whose job is it anyway?

I just came back from a fabulous vacation with my husband.  We celebrated 30 years of marriage in August, no small feat!  We've (or should I say I've) talked about going to Italy for at least 15 years and the opportunity came up and we took it.  2 days in Rome and then a cruise on the Mediterranean.  Heaven.

What does it take, besides money, to go on a big vacation like that?  Weeks or months of preparation- arranging work schedules, buying some needed clothes, a new bathing suit (still wore my trusty old one), packing up medicines and toiletries, arranging our dog sitter, holding the mail and the newspapers, getting the house ready, paying bills ahead of time, getting Euros to bring with us...  Like any event in our lives this required lists and more lists.  I managed to remember everything, though I somehow lost my travel alarm clock.  I do all the list making and packing, my husband basically just does what he is asked and shows up.  He's the one working 15 hour days so I don't mind. 

Why is it that a man can pack in a matter of 1 hour and it takes me days- thinking about outfits, purses, shoes, etc.  I spent 2 days just doing laundry and making piles of potential clothes.  I remembered to pack his ipod and headphones for jogging and his post-running tablets for rehydrating while he remembered to pack his sneakers.  It's interesting that I think about what he'll need but I'm sure he never gives a thought about what I packed or didn't pack.  Maybe that is the built-in mother role I have permanently assumed.  He just trusts that I will remember what I need.  As he says, "As long as I have my passport and wallet, everything else is extra."

It's funny how I've noticed the way we drop into our roles, even on vacation or right when we got back.  I am the fact-finder, the arranger of things.  I got all the tour books and decided what excursions we went on, spending hours on websites and making decisions.  When I signed up for the experience with the dolphins, Steve chose to stay on the ship and read his book.  When I got back from my excursion we explored Malta for a few hours before the ship took off for the next port.  I'm the exploring type and Steve is the stay put type.  He would never walk off the ship and explore the city by himself.

When we got back from our trip I immediately jumped into laundry and unpacking mode while Steve jumped into yard work duty.  Roles are embedded in our every day lives.  After 2 days of laundry, processing mail, and catching up on sleep, I'm avoiding all the other household roles like grocery shopping and vacuuming.  I even avoided my emails for 2 days.  Tomrrow will come soon enough.  In the mean time I have 1300 pictures to look at on my computer!

My first picture in Rome- the infamous Trevi Fountain

Lucas the dophin came over to play with us.

The ceiling of a church in La Valetta, Malta- amazing!

Technology Overcome!

Hi Everyone,
This is round two of the same post, as I work out some technology- like what frozen picture you see of me before you start the video, or when you get the post in your email.  Hopefully I don't look like one of those Christmas Carolers in mid word with a round mouth and squinted eyes!  Bear with me as I travel on my learning curve....

Check out my new video abilities.  Necessity is truly the motivating force for overcoming an obstacle like technology.
What technology challenge has you stumped?  It's time to over come it! If you have a Mac you can go to any Apple store and get free help in 20-30 minutes doses (though I chose to do the "I'll try to do this myself" method).  If you don't have a Mac, there is likely to be some teenager in your life who knows a lot more than you.  Barter for some help!
Good luck.
~Monica
PS If you are seeing a still photo in your blackberry or email, go to the actual blog for the video.

The Aftermath of a Life-altering event

It's 10 days since my daughter's wedding and I'm still not back to my "schedule." Of course, my life has NO schedule, so there lies the problem. I've spent the better part of the last 3 months so engrossed with Melissa's wedding- calls to vendors and my daughters, working on all the details, thinking proactively to anticipate every moment and potential issue, making lists, etc, that I don't know what a normal schedule is any more.

How do you get back into a routine after a life-altering or all-consuming event?

I suppose if I had a 9-5 job or young kids at home to force me into a routine, that might help. Instead, I work from home and much of my motivation has to come from within.
It's 1pm and I've done a million things today (except get dressed).
*Client call at 8am.
*Breakfast routine for my dog Celtie and me.
*30 minutes reading "Wedding Goddess" for my market analysis for book proposal (I am writing a book called The Empowered Bride and working on the proposal to send to an agent).
*Semi-Quick look through emails
*30 minute call about a community service fundraiser I am doing this Friday
*45 minute chat with my older daughter Christine (got a kick in the butt to keep writing so I can sell lots of books, promote my business, and help my husband retire early.)

I have a call at 3 with a fellow coach who is going to ask me if I made the promised number of calls I said I would make by 3pm. These are business calls mind you. So far, I have made 0 business calls. I'd rather read Wedding Goddess and see how MY book will be better! My accountability is at question, so now I am in a panic!

There is the nagging thought that I SHOULD get the house clean and walk the dog and put away a few last wedding items or prepare for Melissa and Chris' return from their honeymoon. They will stay with us for a day and then head to Virginia (sniff!)
Even my blogging gets distracted by talking about semi-wedding stuff!

I hate the word SHOULD so I am going to do what I want to do right now.
I am going to get dressed and call some wedding vendors and set up appointments to talk about my book and my wedding coaching service and see where that gets me!

As for the aftermath of a life-altering event, I guess declaring a schedule and getting dressed first would help!
Any other suggestions? Please help!

Forgiveness and apologies

“We must forgive those we feel have wronged us, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don’t want to keep paying for the injustice.”
Quote from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and to the person you are forgiving. If you hold on to a grudge it will eat away at you and your other relationships. Many a family, friendship, and work setting has been torn apart by a grudge. I know from direct experience.

If someone offends you in some way, I'd like you to keep a few things in mind.
*They may not have intended to hurt you.
*There might be information you are not aware of.
*If their offense is connected to a personality trait, (she's always so nosey), it may actually be your interpretation of that trait. Maybe she is just curious, or socially awkward, trying to fit in...
*You can't change another person, you can only change what you think and what you do about it.

Apologies and forgiveness. They go hand in hand. As someone who has a hard time with apologies, I will admit I had a hard time forgiving as well. Now I try to offer them up as instantly as I perceive they are needed. We are all human and humans make mistakes. To believe otherwise is foolishness.

So go out there and make amends where ever it is needed. Everyone deserves a second chance. You will feel better, and so will they! That's what peace of mind is all about- to know that you have done everything possible for yourself and others. Let go of that grudge!