Enjoying the Holidays on the Road

"What will your children remember? Moments spent listening, talking, playing and sharing together may be the most important times of all."

-- Gloria Gaither

Our youngest daughter went to college in Fredericksburg, VA, over 300 miles from home.  It’s a beautiful town, full of character and history, which is right up my husband’s alley.  Steve loved to see the town all lit up in its festive glory for the holiday season.  It became a tradition to go down to VA together a day early when we picked Melissa up for Christmas break.  We would stay at the Kenmore Inn, a historic old mansion that offered a comfortable home base for our exploring.

When Melissa graduated from college and we no longer had the excuse to go to Fredericksburg, it was a little bittersweet.  So now that she is married and living in Alexandria, we decided to go visit her and Christopher and plan a day trip to Fredericksburg. I think the kids were more excited to see the changes to the college campus, though jumping in and out of the shops on Main St. was fun too.  We found some great gifts for family members and had a wonderful lunch in the local pub.

Ironically, we watched the town’s Main St transform into the bustling sideshow for their Christmas Parade, and stores closed early to enjoy the event.  We could have had front row seats, but we chose to get out of town before the traffic turned into a bottleneck. We didn’t get to the James Monroe Museum or the Apothecary where my daughter used to work in her 1780’s costume, but we had fun, and enjoyed sharing our favorite stores, gift ideas and spending time with each other.

The next day we explored Old Towne Alexandria, which is about 10 times the size of downtown Fredericksburg and has even more to offer.  I see the tradition transforming before our eyes!

What family moments do you remember that you can repeat?  What tradition do you want to resurrect?  Or what new tradition would you like to start for the next generation?  The sky’s the limit.

The agony, the ecstasy and the irony

It's August 3rd and we're more than half way through the summer.  It's been a real hot one for the record.  Living in CT about 10 miles from the shore, we are somewhat protected from the worst heat, though not near any on-shore breezes.

My husband and I bought an old farm house about 5 years ago.  This house was built in 1795!  (George Washington was still President!)  The previous owners, the last of a 200-year line of their family to live in the house, had stripped it down and rebuilt it with new windows, sheet rock, and master bedroom, but not the modern convenience of air conditioning!

I'm Irish, I can't stand extreme heat or cold.  And I work from home, no respite in an employer's AC.  Window AC units were no longer considered a viable option- my husband refused to do it anymore!  So we've talked about getting some sort of central AC for a while.  (All the kids are married and college paid for so now it's our turn to enjoy life.) It became one of my priorities, not to mention it adds mega value to our house.

It was all talk until Steve discovered the concept of ductless air conditioning- you install a unit on your wall and it connects through the wall to the actual machine outside.  No giant ducts cut through your closets, a much more affordable price too.  I found a local company who could do the work at a price we were willing to pay (Brainard's in Shelton, CT). By the time we made the commitment there were delays due to vacations, waiting for parts, staffing, and it finally got installed yesterday (our wedding anniversary- how appropriate!)  Long story short, we now have AC units in 4 separate zones of the house. 

Agony and Ecstacy are covered, right?

Now for the irony.  We no sooner had it all working and a cool front has moved in.  The whole week we might see high 70's to low 80's.  It was 61 degrees last night and my husband was thrilled to have all the windows of the house open wide.

My bank account will be happier due to the electric bill savings, but I don't get to play with and enjoy my new toy!
I'm sure a heat wave will find it's way to CT soon enough.  Then I will be mighty glad to have knocked this off my wish list.

Journey to Happiness Part 3 Indentifying and Overcoming your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck

Limiting Beliefs are hidden or not-so-hidden beliefs that you have that may not necessarily be true. They are a reflection of our inner-selves or our inner saboteurs that keep our lives "safe" and small. For instance, if a person believes (or fears) that all dogs will bite them or men don't know how to care for an infant, they will act accordingly and shrink in fear from all dogs and treat men like they don't know what they are doing with their own child.

I've talked to several parents recently who feel stuck in their roles of mom/dad, spouse, career person, housekeeper, nursemaid, etc.  Their limiting beliefs include such things as:
They shouldn't complain because they have so much.
They shouldn't ask for help or question their duty as parent, spouse, career person and homeowner.
If they talk to someone about it they might be considered weak or ungrateful.

Other common limiting beliefs that have nothing to do with your role, your job, or your wealth include:
I'm not good enough.
If I let up the slightest I will lose my job.
If I have a conversation it will end up in a fight.
I don't know how to X,Y,Z and it's too hard to learn.

A comment I hear from many clients is about their fear of failure or fear of rejection.  This may show up as doing your job in a "safe" manner or over-indulging those we fear losing.  I mention this because these fears are much more common than people tend to admit.  They stem from childhood, past or current jobs or romances, whatever!

When we are controlled by our limiting beliefs, we tend to live smaller.  We don't try new things or stretch beyond our comfort zone.  Faced with fear, we react in an dis-empowered way because we are SURE that the worst will happen.  We become stuck in our smaller world, convinced that this is better than making waves or trying something different.

So the next question is, "How do I get out from under these limiting beliefs?"
My first response could be, "Hire Me!"  I recently worked with a new client for 6 hours over 2 weeks and he was literally a new person when we were done.  He really did a great job, hanging in there as I helped him challenge or re-frame all the limiting thoughts he had.  By the end he had distanced himself from his original concerns and beliefs so much that he didn't even consider them relevant anymore. 

Choice number two would be to start by wanting to be open to thinking differently, then go through these few steps.
1. Name the limiting belief: (If you're not sure you have one, ask yourself what you are SURE will always happen, will NEVER happen, or look for a place that you are always stuck.)  Example: I don't have enough time to do X,Y,Z.
2. Create a positive belief from a negative one and test it out: (I would prefer to believe that) I DO have time for X,Y,Z.  I will find ways to enjoy X,Y,Z.
3. Write out ways that you can make it possible or test out your positive belief with logic and trial and error.  The key to getting around limiting beliefs is to question them; not in an angry and defiant way, but in a curious way that allows for other options.

I had a client who had a major fear of being in NYC after 9/11.  "It's not safe to be there."  That fear limited his life in many ways- fun, career options, friends.  When he found himself in NY for a very important meeting, he tested his limiting belief and was able to say, "Millions of people are safe in NYC every day, my fear is trying to keep me safe but it's OK, I am safe." He was able to relax and be his confident self.  Little by little he will test the merit of the limiting belief until it doesn't even pop up anymore.

Bottom line, live more consciously and don't believe everything you think!  Become aware of your limiting thoughts and challenge them.  If you are hearing "Can't, shouldn't, or have to," or wonder, "Why did I do that?" then it is time to figure out what is driving your actions.

As always, I am here to help.  Monica@NewStepsLifeCoaching.com

Journey to Happiness Part 2 Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected area

Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected areas of your life

I created the title for this blog as part of a series on the journey to happiness.  If you focus on neglected areas of your life and raise them up to a higher standard, will your life be better off?

I could give a short list of neglected areas in my life and then see what happens if I pay more attention to them.
Here is my short list: exercise, cooking healthy meals, writing consistently, cleaning out clutter/closets, finish projects.
If I were to prioritize, I'd say the way I am feeling right now, I need exercise more than anything else.

Exercise, a severely neglected area of my life.  I am feeling very overweight (I'm at my highest weight ever), and very frustrated with myself.  I know better.  I was a phys ed major, have always been active, and have let the typical "I don't have time" excuse get in my way.
What would be some things I could do to get more exercise?
Join a Zumba class
Go to the gym regularly (I have a paid membership and haven't attended since last October when they fired my favorite Pilates instructor- which only hurts me and not them!)
Take walks around the neighborhood or on local trails
Take another type of class- Tai Chi, Yoga, etc.
Exercise at home with or without video instruction.
Follow my Dancing With the Stars DVD's and Dance myself to good health (I've done a few times lately but not consistently)

That's a pretty good list.  And I know me, I am more likely to do something in my house than if I have to go elsewhere.DVD's and my step box will do just fine.
And how much time is enough time?  Science says anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes per day.  I would venture to say 3 hours per week would be a good benchmark to start so that is my goal. 
How will I keep track of my progress? A good old-fashioned chart on the fridge works best for me- no complicated computer programs.  I need something I can see as I reach for the ice cream! 

So, now I have identified a neglected area, prioritized the one that means the most to me right now, brainstormed a list of possible solutions, picked a few that have the most likihood of success, and set a SMART goal. 

I will spend 3 hours per week doing some sort of exercise using my DVDs and step box. 
AND I will chart my progress for everyone to see (especially myself!)

So, now it's your turn.  What areas of your life are getting neglected?  How does that make you feel and what are you willing to do about it?

Let me know!
Happy June,
Monica

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Journey to Happiness Part 1 Personal Awareness

I was going through my folder of "ideas" for a blog topic and I found this:
Explore 6 Steps to a Happier Life
Personal Awareness: Values, Goals, and Life Patterns
Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected area
Adjusting your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
Time Management Tools to Find the Missing Time!
Stress Busters that fit into your lifestyle
Relationship tools to bring more positive energy into your life

These 6 topics really sum up everything I have been doing as a coach and on my own personal journey for the last 3 years.  I'll start with step one and create a blog for each.

Personal Awareness of values, goals and life patterns

I am turning 54 soon and I have to say, until I began my coaching courses in 2006, I don't think I ever really thought about my values,  I had a poor record for setting or achieving goals, and I had no idea what pattern my life was following. Since I took my courses and have had a coach to help me focus on some of these things, I have spent more time and effort to really look at what they mean to me and then do something about them. 

So what do I value?  The list is long so I will limit it to two.
I value family and close relationships above all else.  I haven't always been the best at relationships and I am consciously working on rectifying that.  I feel I am closer to being able to authentically relate to people the way I want to with almost all the people in my life.  I was coaching a woman and her business partner recently and I could see how much they were struggling to be honest with each other without hurting each other's feelings.  Sometimes we don't like to hear what others are trying to tell us.  And sometimes we don't know how to tell someone what is bothering us.  But if we don't speak up or don't ask, we are living our lives on the surface instead of going deep and being real.  Now I am finding ways to feed my relationships with positive, nurturing dialogue and actions that help me feel proactive and bring my relationships to a new level of connection or friendship or closeness that I didn't always have.

Another strong value I have is becoming a successful business owner.  I love my work as a life and relationship coach.   I feel so happy when my clients move into action around an issue that is important to them or have AHA moments that are transformational.  At first I spent a lot of time in my little world and hoped people would find me.  Now I am actively reaching out and putting myself in situations that allow me to share my passion and connect with potential clients.  If I believe in what I do, then I MUST reach out to help others.  Otherwise I am doing the world a disservice.

A life pattern I gradually identified through my own coaching process was the fact that I shrunk in the face of fear.  Most people lack confidence in some area of their life, and I consistently sold myself short in anything related to my schooling and career, from the time I was a teenager.  Applying for colleges at the last minute, NOT applying to schools that would require major travel or cost more money, Not taking a licensing exam after 3 years of studying to be an Athletic Trainer.  I do give myself credit for going away to school and paying for it myself (no money when there were 10 kids in our family!)  I got a degree in Physical Education but changed my career path after I graduated.  I got married and had kids right away!
To some extent I have broken the pattern and I am facing my fears and doing things anyway.  I am so excited and passionate about coaching that a new pattern has become problematic- I jump from idea to idea and lack some follow-through.  It's actually not a new pattern, but my awareness is getting keener.
That's what change is all about: becoming aware, acknowledging what I am doing and what is not working, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, then accessing my choices to move out of my rut and taking action toward the change I want.
Whew!  That's a mouthful.  My colleague Anna Cole and I call it the 5 A Change Process.
More on that later.
If you would like to join Anna and I for a "Building Lasting Relationships" teleclass please go to my website for more information.  www.newstepslifecoaching.com/workshops_and_teleclasses


Have a happy and aware day.

Confession of the Soul, Learn to Apologize

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years, "You know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I became. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize." 

In the past I hated apologizing.  I could hear myself say that I should apologize but something always stopped me.  I struggled with the words and the feelings that led up to saying them.  It meant you had to acknowledge wrongdoing, which I normally ran away from.  I could blame it all on my parents- they never apologized either.  But I will own this personality defect.  I’m a grown woman and now I know better.  I am encouraged to know that all the courses I’ve taken in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person.

I studied relationships because my selfish stubbornness ruined a very important relationship in my life.  You could say I learned the hard way that no matter whether you are right or wrong it doesn’t matter.  What matters is how you make a person feel.  Accepting that another person was hurt in the crossfire and apologizing for your part in it, is much more important in the long run.

Now that I’ve practiced it a few times, I know that apologizing isn’t putting a giant target on your chest and saying, “I’m a bad girl.”  It’s admitting that you messed up, you didn’t do the best job at something and you’re not perfect.  The reality is, no one is perfect.  If you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings it is important to the other person to hear that.  Plain and simple.  Acknowledge how your words and actions make people feel and be more committed to be conscious of it in the future.

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didn’t know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on.

We had a real grown-up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I've written my true story of personal and relationship transformation for the book, Empowering Transformations for Women, found on Amazon.com and on my website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com/products_and_services_payment

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark Card Day," AND it's an excuse to focus on your relationships. 
All relationships can benefit from some positivity, fun, and emotional connection.
So here are 5 Steps to a Happy Valentine's Day with your Life Partner
1. Let go of any pressing to-do's and concentrate on your partner. 
2. Smile
3. Show appreciation and gratitude for what your partner brings to your life- something like:  "I'm so happy you came into my life, you really make me feel special and loved."
4. Think about what you can do for the sake of the relationship (and not hold it over their head or as a reason that they should do something back).  Give it as a gift.
5. Stay connected to why you are with this person in the first place.

John Gottman, author of "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," states that in order for a relationship to thrive, you need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction.
That applies to your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, and your friends.
Steps 2-4 above are all about positive interaction.
Remember that rule and add positivity to every relationship.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Monica

Together We Can Create for the Sake of Our Family and Friendships

We all know this famous phrase: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country.”
Fewer know the line that follows: “My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. “

John F Kennedy spoke these words 50 years ago, on January 20, 1961. They were a call to all- to change their perspective away from being self-focused and toward being citizens of the world. I love that concept, citizen of the world. I’ve thought about these words for the last few weeks and wanted to turn it toward our relationship with loved ones.

I have taken the liberty of turning his phrasing into a motto for me on a personal scale:

“Ask not what my loved ones will do for me, but what together we can create for the sake of our family and friendships.”
What can we CREATE together? What can we deliberately do that will be for the sake of the family and friends, rather than just for me? In the long run we will benefit from the stronger connection that develops.

What might this look like in action?
• Put the laptop, iphone, or blackberry down and have a conversation
• Schedule time to do things together
• Outwardly speak words of praise, appreciation and acknowledgment
• Cook a family meal that everyone loves, even if it’s not your favorite or takes more time than usual
• Admit you are wrong when appropriate and accept an apology when it is offered
• Hold back judgment and offer acceptance instead
• Find a way to listen, even when it is the hardest
• Create clear boundaries and expectations so that there are no more toxic assumptions


The list could go on and on. What would you add?

Relationships are rarely a conscious goal, and yet when they are troubled or tension-filled, they cause the most anxiety for us. Take the time to write your list of ways to create a better relationship for the sake of your family and friendships.
Pick one thing you can do today, one you can do this week, one goal for each month of the year.


"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."
-- Rob Reiner, director

Winter Wonderland, Enough is Enough!

I live in the White Hills of CT and we have had about SIX feet of snow since December 26th- no exaggeration!  That came in the form of four separate storms dropping over 13-16 inches each, and then 4 other storms in the 3-4 inch range.  The snow barely has a chance to melt so the walls of snow along our walkways, driveways and streets just keep building and building.

At least I get to take some really beautiful pictures from my bedroom balcony.  What a view.

 My deck has two staircases leading to the yard.  One of them has now become a huge pile of all the snow removed from the deck and the upper balcony off my bedroom.  From ground to the top of the pile is easily seven feet.  My dog Celtie hops up there and looks out on her domain, guarding against stray squirrels and brazen deer.

Blizzard Ella passed over the country the last few days, dumping 2 feet of snow in Chicago, but not much here in CT.  We only got about 3 inches of snow before it turned into sleet and then freezing rain.  A lot of planes are grounded, stranding my husband in Arizona.  (Poor guy).  I didn't want him traveling home in what is showing up today-freezing rain, which is making the roads and my yard a shiny ice rink (elevated on 2-3 feet or more of snow.) 
Now my dog is finally able to travel the full extent of the yard instead of the meager pathways I have shoveled for her.  Check this out.

I plan to sit by my gas fireplace and work on some writing projects including a few workshops I'm leading later this month and my book, The Empowered Bride.
Hope this entertains you! 

Stay safe.
Monica 

The Choice Is Yours-Time and Substance

We all make choices hundreds of times a day. What to eat, what to wear, what to do each moment of the day. We often make our choices based on external forces and stimulus, rather than our core beliefs and priorities. Somewhere we lose ourselves and let outside influences control us more than they should. They decide for us what is urgent. They tell us we should do this or that... Who or what are they? Boy, that could be a long list! Spouses, family members, the media, "society", the voice of the past, the gremlins that haunt us and tell us we (can't, shouldn't, must, have to...). But ultimately, we have the final choice.
In my search for personal growth and understanding I have chosen to do a lot of reading. The following time-management concept comes from Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

Everything we do fits into one of these four quadrants:
Important and urgent
Important and not urgent
Unimportant and urgent
Unimportant and not urgent.

So what do we chose to do when the "phone is ringing" (urgent and unimportant), or something equally loud and demanding is happening ? If you chose to answer the loud "phone", what do you have to say no to in order to take time for the phone call? No time to exercise or cook healthy food, no time to read that book you've been really wanting to read, no time to contemplate that change in career, not enough quality time with your family, not enough time for a good night's sleep... Maybe that "phone call" is really channel surfing on TV or playing freecell on the computer. (I am the first to admit to this fault.) Maybe its spending time with people who aren't really a priority instead of the ones who are. What are the consequences of your choices?
Are you stepping over your values in order to answer that "urgent" interruption?

If you spent the next 30 minutes writing down 10 things that you would LIKE to spend your time on over the next hour, week or month, it will help you focus on what is really important to you.  These are the important and not urgent things that will make a difference in your life.

Here is some of my list:
Work on my book: The Empowered Bride
Crochet an afghan for my friend's baby.
Print off some of the photos from my trip last October and my daughter's wedding in August.
Organize and de-clutter my closet so I can find everything.
Write 2 presentations to expand my repertoire for Lunch and Learns in the corporate setting.
Work out to my Dancing with the Stars video

The game plan to make these "Wants" a reality includes estimating time needed, putting them on your calendar, believing they are important to you and worthy of your time, and then getting them done!  Connect to the "Why so important." How will you feel when they are done?  What benefits do they have for you, for your family or co-workers or friends?

Stay connected to your why and you will find a way to make them happen.
And find an accountability partner to insure you stay on top of things!