Serendipity and the art of manifesting what you want

 I have been practicing the art of manifesting lately, putting it out in the universe what I want or need.  A majority of thoughts are in reference to my professional life; I need some new clients to help pay for additional training I am going through, I need to find a particular business person, I'm curious about new avenues for my coaching.  People just show up and seem to fit the bill.  It's uncanny.
Today was a good example of that.  I co-lead a networking group for women and we normally meet at the chamber of commerce.  They just moved into a new location and the conference room isn't available yet.  We're 10 days away from the next meeting and no place to meet yet.  I had confidence something would come up and it did...
I was at the local cafe meeting with a group of women (a different networking group) and a woman sat down at an adjacent table.  She looked very familiar.  After our meeting was over I got up to leave and the woman stood up to greet me.  She said, "I know you from somewhere, I am Reverend Janet."  I immediately placed her as the officiant at my daughter's friend's wedding 7 months ago and I had been wanting to reach out to her about my coaching to see if we could work together in some way. 
She had observed our group and was excited to see genuine networking in action.  It turns out not only does Rev. Janet want to start a women's networking group for non-profits and service providers, but her church has a large meeting room.  I asked if my group could use it next week and she said yes.
I told her about my coaching business, which is going in the direction of facilitating workshops and giving presentations to groups of parents and professionals. Rev Janet and I are going to meet for coffee soon.  New avenues are percolating as we speak.
Hallelujiah!


What are your dreams and goals?  What are you consciously "asking for" from the universe?

Enjoying the Holidays on the Road

"What will your children remember? Moments spent listening, talking, playing and sharing together may be the most important times of all."

-- Gloria Gaither

Our youngest daughter went to college in Fredericksburg, VA, over 300 miles from home.  It’s a beautiful town, full of character and history, which is right up my husband’s alley.  Steve loved to see the town all lit up in its festive glory for the holiday season.  It became a tradition to go down to VA together a day early when we picked Melissa up for Christmas break.  We would stay at the Kenmore Inn, a historic old mansion that offered a comfortable home base for our exploring.

When Melissa graduated from college and we no longer had the excuse to go to Fredericksburg, it was a little bittersweet.  So now that she is married and living in Alexandria, we decided to go visit her and Christopher and plan a day trip to Fredericksburg. I think the kids were more excited to see the changes to the college campus, though jumping in and out of the shops on Main St. was fun too.  We found some great gifts for family members and had a wonderful lunch in the local pub.

Ironically, we watched the town’s Main St transform into the bustling sideshow for their Christmas Parade, and stores closed early to enjoy the event.  We could have had front row seats, but we chose to get out of town before the traffic turned into a bottleneck. We didn’t get to the James Monroe Museum or the Apothecary where my daughter used to work in her 1780’s costume, but we had fun, and enjoyed sharing our favorite stores, gift ideas and spending time with each other.

The next day we explored Old Towne Alexandria, which is about 10 times the size of downtown Fredericksburg and has even more to offer.  I see the tradition transforming before our eyes!

What family moments do you remember that you can repeat?  What tradition do you want to resurrect?  Or what new tradition would you like to start for the next generation?  The sky’s the limit.

The agony, the ecstasy and the irony

It's August 3rd and we're more than half way through the summer.  It's been a real hot one for the record.  Living in CT about 10 miles from the shore, we are somewhat protected from the worst heat, though not near any on-shore breezes.

My husband and I bought an old farm house about 5 years ago.  This house was built in 1795!  (George Washington was still President!)  The previous owners, the last of a 200-year line of their family to live in the house, had stripped it down and rebuilt it with new windows, sheet rock, and master bedroom, but not the modern convenience of air conditioning!

I'm Irish, I can't stand extreme heat or cold.  And I work from home, no respite in an employer's AC.  Window AC units were no longer considered a viable option- my husband refused to do it anymore!  So we've talked about getting some sort of central AC for a while.  (All the kids are married and college paid for so now it's our turn to enjoy life.) It became one of my priorities, not to mention it adds mega value to our house.

It was all talk until Steve discovered the concept of ductless air conditioning- you install a unit on your wall and it connects through the wall to the actual machine outside.  No giant ducts cut through your closets, a much more affordable price too.  I found a local company who could do the work at a price we were willing to pay (Brainard's in Shelton, CT). By the time we made the commitment there were delays due to vacations, waiting for parts, staffing, and it finally got installed yesterday (our wedding anniversary- how appropriate!)  Long story short, we now have AC units in 4 separate zones of the house. 

Agony and Ecstacy are covered, right?

Now for the irony.  We no sooner had it all working and a cool front has moved in.  The whole week we might see high 70's to low 80's.  It was 61 degrees last night and my husband was thrilled to have all the windows of the house open wide.

My bank account will be happier due to the electric bill savings, but I don't get to play with and enjoy my new toy!
I'm sure a heat wave will find it's way to CT soon enough.  Then I will be mighty glad to have knocked this off my wish list.

Journey to Happiness Part 3 Indentifying and Overcoming your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck

Limiting Beliefs are hidden or not-so-hidden beliefs that you have that may not necessarily be true. They are a reflection of our inner-selves or our inner saboteurs that keep our lives "safe" and small. For instance, if a person believes (or fears) that all dogs will bite them or men don't know how to care for an infant, they will act accordingly and shrink in fear from all dogs and treat men like they don't know what they are doing with their own child.

I've talked to several parents recently who feel stuck in their roles of mom/dad, spouse, career person, housekeeper, nursemaid, etc.  Their limiting beliefs include such things as:
They shouldn't complain because they have so much.
They shouldn't ask for help or question their duty as parent, spouse, career person and homeowner.
If they talk to someone about it they might be considered weak or ungrateful.

Other common limiting beliefs that have nothing to do with your role, your job, or your wealth include:
I'm not good enough.
If I let up the slightest I will lose my job.
If I have a conversation it will end up in a fight.
I don't know how to X,Y,Z and it's too hard to learn.

A comment I hear from many clients is about their fear of failure or fear of rejection.  This may show up as doing your job in a "safe" manner or over-indulging those we fear losing.  I mention this because these fears are much more common than people tend to admit.  They stem from childhood, past or current jobs or romances, whatever!

When we are controlled by our limiting beliefs, we tend to live smaller.  We don't try new things or stretch beyond our comfort zone.  Faced with fear, we react in an dis-empowered way because we are SURE that the worst will happen.  We become stuck in our smaller world, convinced that this is better than making waves or trying something different.

So the next question is, "How do I get out from under these limiting beliefs?"
My first response could be, "Hire Me!"  I recently worked with a new client for 6 hours over 2 weeks and he was literally a new person when we were done.  He really did a great job, hanging in there as I helped him challenge or re-frame all the limiting thoughts he had.  By the end he had distanced himself from his original concerns and beliefs so much that he didn't even consider them relevant anymore. 

Choice number two would be to start by wanting to be open to thinking differently, then go through these few steps.
1. Name the limiting belief: (If you're not sure you have one, ask yourself what you are SURE will always happen, will NEVER happen, or look for a place that you are always stuck.)  Example: I don't have enough time to do X,Y,Z.
2. Create a positive belief from a negative one and test it out: (I would prefer to believe that) I DO have time for X,Y,Z.  I will find ways to enjoy X,Y,Z.
3. Write out ways that you can make it possible or test out your positive belief with logic and trial and error.  The key to getting around limiting beliefs is to question them; not in an angry and defiant way, but in a curious way that allows for other options.

I had a client who had a major fear of being in NYC after 9/11.  "It's not safe to be there."  That fear limited his life in many ways- fun, career options, friends.  When he found himself in NY for a very important meeting, he tested his limiting belief and was able to say, "Millions of people are safe in NYC every day, my fear is trying to keep me safe but it's OK, I am safe." He was able to relax and be his confident self.  Little by little he will test the merit of the limiting belief until it doesn't even pop up anymore.

Bottom line, live more consciously and don't believe everything you think!  Become aware of your limiting thoughts and challenge them.  If you are hearing "Can't, shouldn't, or have to," or wonder, "Why did I do that?" then it is time to figure out what is driving your actions.

As always, I am here to help.  Monica@NewStepsLifeCoaching.com

Journey to Happiness Part 2 Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected area

Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected areas of your life

I created the title for this blog as part of a series on the journey to happiness.  If you focus on neglected areas of your life and raise them up to a higher standard, will your life be better off?

I could give a short list of neglected areas in my life and then see what happens if I pay more attention to them.
Here is my short list: exercise, cooking healthy meals, writing consistently, cleaning out clutter/closets, finish projects.
If I were to prioritize, I'd say the way I am feeling right now, I need exercise more than anything else.

Exercise, a severely neglected area of my life.  I am feeling very overweight (I'm at my highest weight ever), and very frustrated with myself.  I know better.  I was a phys ed major, have always been active, and have let the typical "I don't have time" excuse get in my way.
What would be some things I could do to get more exercise?
Join a Zumba class
Go to the gym regularly (I have a paid membership and haven't attended since last October when they fired my favorite Pilates instructor- which only hurts me and not them!)
Take walks around the neighborhood or on local trails
Take another type of class- Tai Chi, Yoga, etc.
Exercise at home with or without video instruction.
Follow my Dancing With the Stars DVD's and Dance myself to good health (I've done a few times lately but not consistently)

That's a pretty good list.  And I know me, I am more likely to do something in my house than if I have to go elsewhere.DVD's and my step box will do just fine.
And how much time is enough time?  Science says anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes per day.  I would venture to say 3 hours per week would be a good benchmark to start so that is my goal. 
How will I keep track of my progress? A good old-fashioned chart on the fridge works best for me- no complicated computer programs.  I need something I can see as I reach for the ice cream! 

So, now I have identified a neglected area, prioritized the one that means the most to me right now, brainstormed a list of possible solutions, picked a few that have the most likihood of success, and set a SMART goal. 

I will spend 3 hours per week doing some sort of exercise using my DVDs and step box. 
AND I will chart my progress for everyone to see (especially myself!)

So, now it's your turn.  What areas of your life are getting neglected?  How does that make you feel and what are you willing to do about it?

Let me know!
Happy June,
Monica

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Journey to Happiness Part 1 Personal Awareness

I was going through my folder of "ideas" for a blog topic and I found this:
Explore 6 Steps to a Happier Life
Personal Awareness: Values, Goals, and Life Patterns
Setting Priorities and Standards for the neglected area
Adjusting your limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
Time Management Tools to Find the Missing Time!
Stress Busters that fit into your lifestyle
Relationship tools to bring more positive energy into your life

These 6 topics really sum up everything I have been doing as a coach and on my own personal journey for the last 3 years.  I'll start with step one and create a blog for each.

Personal Awareness of values, goals and life patterns

I am turning 54 soon and I have to say, until I began my coaching courses in 2006, I don't think I ever really thought about my values,  I had a poor record for setting or achieving goals, and I had no idea what pattern my life was following. Since I took my courses and have had a coach to help me focus on some of these things, I have spent more time and effort to really look at what they mean to me and then do something about them. 

So what do I value?  The list is long so I will limit it to two.
I value family and close relationships above all else.  I haven't always been the best at relationships and I am consciously working on rectifying that.  I feel I am closer to being able to authentically relate to people the way I want to with almost all the people in my life.  I was coaching a woman and her business partner recently and I could see how much they were struggling to be honest with each other without hurting each other's feelings.  Sometimes we don't like to hear what others are trying to tell us.  And sometimes we don't know how to tell someone what is bothering us.  But if we don't speak up or don't ask, we are living our lives on the surface instead of going deep and being real.  Now I am finding ways to feed my relationships with positive, nurturing dialogue and actions that help me feel proactive and bring my relationships to a new level of connection or friendship or closeness that I didn't always have.

Another strong value I have is becoming a successful business owner.  I love my work as a life and relationship coach.   I feel so happy when my clients move into action around an issue that is important to them or have AHA moments that are transformational.  At first I spent a lot of time in my little world and hoped people would find me.  Now I am actively reaching out and putting myself in situations that allow me to share my passion and connect with potential clients.  If I believe in what I do, then I MUST reach out to help others.  Otherwise I am doing the world a disservice.

A life pattern I gradually identified through my own coaching process was the fact that I shrunk in the face of fear.  Most people lack confidence in some area of their life, and I consistently sold myself short in anything related to my schooling and career, from the time I was a teenager.  Applying for colleges at the last minute, NOT applying to schools that would require major travel or cost more money, Not taking a licensing exam after 3 years of studying to be an Athletic Trainer.  I do give myself credit for going away to school and paying for it myself (no money when there were 10 kids in our family!)  I got a degree in Physical Education but changed my career path after I graduated.  I got married and had kids right away!
To some extent I have broken the pattern and I am facing my fears and doing things anyway.  I am so excited and passionate about coaching that a new pattern has become problematic- I jump from idea to idea and lack some follow-through.  It's actually not a new pattern, but my awareness is getting keener.
That's what change is all about: becoming aware, acknowledging what I am doing and what is not working, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, then accessing my choices to move out of my rut and taking action toward the change I want.
Whew!  That's a mouthful.  My colleague Anna Cole and I call it the 5 A Change Process.
More on that later.
If you would like to join Anna and I for a "Building Lasting Relationships" teleclass please go to my website for more information.  www.newstepslifecoaching.com/workshops_and_teleclasses


Have a happy and aware day.

Confession of the Soul, Learn to Apologize

I never knew how invested I was in being right. I joke with my husband of almost 30 years, "You know it will turn out that I was right." And often I am. But when I am wrong, I never realized how defensive I became. Change the subject, or defend my actions, I'd find some way to deflect ever having to say, "You're right. I apologize." 

In the past I hated apologizing.  I could hear myself say that I should apologize but something always stopped me.  I struggled with the words and the feelings that led up to saying them.  It meant you had to acknowledge wrongdoing, which I normally ran away from.  I could blame it all on my parents- they never apologized either.  But I will own this personality defect.  I’m a grown woman and now I know better.  I am encouraged to know that all the courses I’ve taken in relationship coaching have helped ME on MY journey of becoming a better person.

I studied relationships because my selfish stubbornness ruined a very important relationship in my life.  You could say I learned the hard way that no matter whether you are right or wrong it doesn’t matter.  What matters is how you make a person feel.  Accepting that another person was hurt in the crossfire and apologizing for your part in it, is much more important in the long run.

Now that I’ve practiced it a few times, I know that apologizing isn’t putting a giant target on your chest and saying, “I’m a bad girl.”  It’s admitting that you messed up, you didn’t do the best job at something and you’re not perfect.  The reality is, no one is perfect.  If you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings it is important to the other person to hear that.  Plain and simple.  Acknowledge how your words and actions make people feel and be more committed to be conscious of it in the future.

I am involved in many activities that require teamwork, partnership, and collaboration. And in one case I was doing something that really bothered the other person. I didn’t know it, I didn't realize it, I didn't even have it on my radar of things that could be going on.

We had a real grown-up conversation and allowed each other to air our concerns for what was happening and to my surprise, I was confronted with a situation to act my old way (being defensive) or take on a new way of being. I accepted full responsibility for my actions (leaving her name off emails), I apologized for making her feel the way she felt (left out and isolated), and we resolved what I could do to make things better (include her name and contact info on all future correspondence). It was such a small shift with such a huge outcome. That was a real learning experience for me!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

I've written my true story of personal and relationship transformation for the book, Empowering Transformations for Women, found on Amazon.com and on my website: www.NewStepsLifeCoaching.com/products_and_services_payment

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark Card Day," AND it's an excuse to focus on your relationships. 
All relationships can benefit from some positivity, fun, and emotional connection.
So here are 5 Steps to a Happy Valentine's Day with your Life Partner
1. Let go of any pressing to-do's and concentrate on your partner. 
2. Smile
3. Show appreciation and gratitude for what your partner brings to your life- something like:  "I'm so happy you came into my life, you really make me feel special and loved."
4. Think about what you can do for the sake of the relationship (and not hold it over their head or as a reason that they should do something back).  Give it as a gift.
5. Stay connected to why you are with this person in the first place.

John Gottman, author of "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," states that in order for a relationship to thrive, you need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction.
That applies to your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, and your friends.
Steps 2-4 above are all about positive interaction.
Remember that rule and add positivity to every relationship.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Monica

Together We Can Create for the Sake of Our Family and Friendships

We all know this famous phrase: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country.”
Fewer know the line that follows: “My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. “

John F Kennedy spoke these words 50 years ago, on January 20, 1961. They were a call to all- to change their perspective away from being self-focused and toward being citizens of the world. I love that concept, citizen of the world. I’ve thought about these words for the last few weeks and wanted to turn it toward our relationship with loved ones.

I have taken the liberty of turning his phrasing into a motto for me on a personal scale:

“Ask not what my loved ones will do for me, but what together we can create for the sake of our family and friendships.”
What can we CREATE together? What can we deliberately do that will be for the sake of the family and friends, rather than just for me? In the long run we will benefit from the stronger connection that develops.

What might this look like in action?
• Put the laptop, iphone, or blackberry down and have a conversation
• Schedule time to do things together
• Outwardly speak words of praise, appreciation and acknowledgment
• Cook a family meal that everyone loves, even if it’s not your favorite or takes more time than usual
• Admit you are wrong when appropriate and accept an apology when it is offered
• Hold back judgment and offer acceptance instead
• Find a way to listen, even when it is the hardest
• Create clear boundaries and expectations so that there are no more toxic assumptions


The list could go on and on. What would you add?

Relationships are rarely a conscious goal, and yet when they are troubled or tension-filled, they cause the most anxiety for us. Take the time to write your list of ways to create a better relationship for the sake of your family and friendships.
Pick one thing you can do today, one you can do this week, one goal for each month of the year.


"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect."
-- Rob Reiner, director

Winter Wonderland, Enough is Enough!

I live in the White Hills of CT and we have had about SIX feet of snow since December 26th- no exaggeration!  That came in the form of four separate storms dropping over 13-16 inches each, and then 4 other storms in the 3-4 inch range.  The snow barely has a chance to melt so the walls of snow along our walkways, driveways and streets just keep building and building.

At least I get to take some really beautiful pictures from my bedroom balcony.  What a view.

 My deck has two staircases leading to the yard.  One of them has now become a huge pile of all the snow removed from the deck and the upper balcony off my bedroom.  From ground to the top of the pile is easily seven feet.  My dog Celtie hops up there and looks out on her domain, guarding against stray squirrels and brazen deer.

Blizzard Ella passed over the country the last few days, dumping 2 feet of snow in Chicago, but not much here in CT.  We only got about 3 inches of snow before it turned into sleet and then freezing rain.  A lot of planes are grounded, stranding my husband in Arizona.  (Poor guy).  I didn't want him traveling home in what is showing up today-freezing rain, which is making the roads and my yard a shiny ice rink (elevated on 2-3 feet or more of snow.) 
Now my dog is finally able to travel the full extent of the yard instead of the meager pathways I have shoveled for her.  Check this out.

I plan to sit by my gas fireplace and work on some writing projects including a few workshops I'm leading later this month and my book, The Empowered Bride.
Hope this entertains you! 

Stay safe.
Monica 

The Choice Is Yours-Time and Substance

We all make choices hundreds of times a day. What to eat, what to wear, what to do each moment of the day. We often make our choices based on external forces and stimulus, rather than our core beliefs and priorities. Somewhere we lose ourselves and let outside influences control us more than they should. They decide for us what is urgent. They tell us we should do this or that... Who or what are they? Boy, that could be a long list! Spouses, family members, the media, "society", the voice of the past, the gremlins that haunt us and tell us we (can't, shouldn't, must, have to...). But ultimately, we have the final choice.
In my search for personal growth and understanding I have chosen to do a lot of reading. The following time-management concept comes from Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

Everything we do fits into one of these four quadrants:
Important and urgent
Important and not urgent
Unimportant and urgent
Unimportant and not urgent.

So what do we chose to do when the "phone is ringing" (urgent and unimportant), or something equally loud and demanding is happening ? If you chose to answer the loud "phone", what do you have to say no to in order to take time for the phone call? No time to exercise or cook healthy food, no time to read that book you've been really wanting to read, no time to contemplate that change in career, not enough quality time with your family, not enough time for a good night's sleep... Maybe that "phone call" is really channel surfing on TV or playing freecell on the computer. (I am the first to admit to this fault.) Maybe its spending time with people who aren't really a priority instead of the ones who are. What are the consequences of your choices?
Are you stepping over your values in order to answer that "urgent" interruption?

If you spent the next 30 minutes writing down 10 things that you would LIKE to spend your time on over the next hour, week or month, it will help you focus on what is really important to you.  These are the important and not urgent things that will make a difference in your life.

Here is some of my list:
Work on my book: The Empowered Bride
Crochet an afghan for my friend's baby.
Print off some of the photos from my trip last October and my daughter's wedding in August.
Organize and de-clutter my closet so I can find everything.
Write 2 presentations to expand my repertoire for Lunch and Learns in the corporate setting.
Work out to my Dancing with the Stars video

The game plan to make these "Wants" a reality includes estimating time needed, putting them on your calendar, believing they are important to you and worthy of your time, and then getting them done!  Connect to the "Why so important." How will you feel when they are done?  What benefits do they have for you, for your family or co-workers or friends?

Stay connected to your why and you will find a way to make them happen.
And find an accountability partner to insure you stay on top of things!

Healthy Tips for the Holidays and New Year

I received an inquiry from a reporter for weight-loss tips for the holidays.  I thought I would turn my answer into a blog post.  Enjoy.


1. share a personal tip on how to avoid gaining pounds this holiday season?
Give yourself permission to have a few small portions of sweets or your favorite indulgence over the holidays, not all day every day for two weeks! Decide ahead of time what is acceptable and then no more.  It's not the small indulgences, it's taking it to extremes that will add 5-10 pounds! Balance out the "junk food" calories with something healthy.

2. How do you get past all the New Year pound-shedding resolution noise or gimmicks?
Losing weight and keeping it off is a lifestyle choice, not a fad or gimmick.  If you look at how much and when you are eating, perhaps keeping a food diary for a week, you'll probably notice a trend.  If you are eating for the sake of eating because you are emotionally hungry or anxious, then you have to address that, not just the food choices.  If you don't know what food is better for you, then learn.  If you need ideas for healthy snacks, google it.  Set yourself up for winning, not for failure, by really looking at what has gotten you to this point in the first place.  And then find a buddy to keep you accountable.  A life coach is very helpful accountability partner. (Hint, hint!)

3. Share your experience and or interesting related story?
I coached a woman about the big family transition she was going through: second marriage, two young babies, no time for herself.  With only 3 conversations over the course of a month, she addressed some key beliefs she had about what was making her feel restless and unhappy.  Without even trying, she lost 15 pounds in less than a month because she was no longer emotionally eating.  She was making good choices that fit into her lifestyle, such as healthy food, short yoga and meditation exercises, and a new perspective that helped her love her life again.

Hope this was helpful.  Any other ideas you want help on?

Relationship Tip #1

I have a unique opportunity to be a published author, part of an Anthology book with about 35 other women.  (Release date March 7, more info later.) I'm writing about my personal and professional transformation over the last few years.  Not only did I become a life and relationship coach, I became conscious of the world of relationships;  how to recognize relationship toxins and how to make conscious choices that will strengthen and nourish rather than isolate and destroy.

Relationship Tip #1 If you treasure your relationships, keep that in mind when difficulties arise. Let your actions be for the good of the relationship, not the good of your pride.

To put it another way: What is more important, the long-term health of a relationship, or winning a small battle?
If you do something that makes someone feel angry, annoyed, unheard, ignored, diminished, wrong, stupid, unimportant, etc, then admit it and apologize.  Most of the time, we don't mean to make others feel bad.  All the more reason to acknowledge that you messed up and are sorry. This is the perfect opportunity to let that other person know how much you mean to them.  Share what you treasure about your relationship and clear up any misunderstandings before they can grow into disasters.
When someone feels heard and cared for, they are able to connect with you on a whole new level.

Case in point: I had a co-facilitator on an on-going project and I was doing something that really bothered her but she hadn't shared it with me.  When she finally did, I swallowed my pride, consciously chose to apologize instead of getting defensive, and asked her what she needed me to do in order for her to feel better about things.  I didn't realize my actions were bothering her but her complaint made sense and we agreed on an action that kept us both happy. 
Imagine the outcome if I had gotten defensive.  It would have sounded more like, "I'm right and you're wrong." 
Imagine if she had yelled at me and criticized me instead of calmly expressing what was bothering her.
Remember this scenario the next time your boss says something to you or your teen makes a mistake. 
If you remain calm and keep the long-term goal of your relationship in mind, you will make the right choices.

Think of your relationship as its own separate entity.  It has needs and wants.  It needs good communication.  It needs nourishment, positive interactions, caring and love.  It needs teamwork and aligned goals. 
Good luck, and please feel free to share a time when you took the high road for the sake of your relationship.

Vacations- Whose job is it anyway?

I just came back from a fabulous vacation with my husband.  We celebrated 30 years of marriage in August, no small feat!  We've (or should I say I've) talked about going to Italy for at least 15 years and the opportunity came up and we took it.  2 days in Rome and then a cruise on the Mediterranean.  Heaven.

What does it take, besides money, to go on a big vacation like that?  Weeks or months of preparation- arranging work schedules, buying some needed clothes, a new bathing suit (still wore my trusty old one), packing up medicines and toiletries, arranging our dog sitter, holding the mail and the newspapers, getting the house ready, paying bills ahead of time, getting Euros to bring with us...  Like any event in our lives this required lists and more lists.  I managed to remember everything, though I somehow lost my travel alarm clock.  I do all the list making and packing, my husband basically just does what he is asked and shows up.  He's the one working 15 hour days so I don't mind. 

Why is it that a man can pack in a matter of 1 hour and it takes me days- thinking about outfits, purses, shoes, etc.  I spent 2 days just doing laundry and making piles of potential clothes.  I remembered to pack his ipod and headphones for jogging and his post-running tablets for rehydrating while he remembered to pack his sneakers.  It's interesting that I think about what he'll need but I'm sure he never gives a thought about what I packed or didn't pack.  Maybe that is the built-in mother role I have permanently assumed.  He just trusts that I will remember what I need.  As he says, "As long as I have my passport and wallet, everything else is extra."

It's funny how I've noticed the way we drop into our roles, even on vacation or right when we got back.  I am the fact-finder, the arranger of things.  I got all the tour books and decided what excursions we went on, spending hours on websites and making decisions.  When I signed up for the experience with the dolphins, Steve chose to stay on the ship and read his book.  When I got back from my excursion we explored Malta for a few hours before the ship took off for the next port.  I'm the exploring type and Steve is the stay put type.  He would never walk off the ship and explore the city by himself.

When we got back from our trip I immediately jumped into laundry and unpacking mode while Steve jumped into yard work duty.  Roles are embedded in our every day lives.  After 2 days of laundry, processing mail, and catching up on sleep, I'm avoiding all the other household roles like grocery shopping and vacuuming.  I even avoided my emails for 2 days.  Tomrrow will come soon enough.  In the mean time I have 1300 pictures to look at on my computer!

My first picture in Rome- the infamous Trevi Fountain

Lucas the dophin came over to play with us.

The ceiling of a church in La Valetta, Malta- amazing!

Technology Overcome!

Hi Everyone,
This is round two of the same post, as I work out some technology- like what frozen picture you see of me before you start the video, or when you get the post in your email.  Hopefully I don't look like one of those Christmas Carolers in mid word with a round mouth and squinted eyes!  Bear with me as I travel on my learning curve....

Check out my new video abilities.  Necessity is truly the motivating force for overcoming an obstacle like technology.
What technology challenge has you stumped?  It's time to over come it! If you have a Mac you can go to any Apple store and get free help in 20-30 minutes doses (though I chose to do the "I'll try to do this myself" method).  If you don't have a Mac, there is likely to be some teenager in your life who knows a lot more than you.  Barter for some help!
Good luck.
~Monica
PS If you are seeing a still photo in your blackberry or email, go to the actual blog for the video.

The Aftermath of a Life-altering event

It's 10 days since my daughter's wedding and I'm still not back to my "schedule." Of course, my life has NO schedule, so there lies the problem. I've spent the better part of the last 3 months so engrossed with Melissa's wedding- calls to vendors and my daughters, working on all the details, thinking proactively to anticipate every moment and potential issue, making lists, etc, that I don't know what a normal schedule is any more.

How do you get back into a routine after a life-altering or all-consuming event?

I suppose if I had a 9-5 job or young kids at home to force me into a routine, that might help. Instead, I work from home and much of my motivation has to come from within.
It's 1pm and I've done a million things today (except get dressed).
*Client call at 8am.
*Breakfast routine for my dog Celtie and me.
*30 minutes reading "Wedding Goddess" for my market analysis for book proposal (I am writing a book called The Empowered Bride and working on the proposal to send to an agent).
*Semi-Quick look through emails
*30 minute call about a community service fundraiser I am doing this Friday
*45 minute chat with my older daughter Christine (got a kick in the butt to keep writing so I can sell lots of books, promote my business, and help my husband retire early.)

I have a call at 3 with a fellow coach who is going to ask me if I made the promised number of calls I said I would make by 3pm. These are business calls mind you. So far, I have made 0 business calls. I'd rather read Wedding Goddess and see how MY book will be better! My accountability is at question, so now I am in a panic!

There is the nagging thought that I SHOULD get the house clean and walk the dog and put away a few last wedding items or prepare for Melissa and Chris' return from their honeymoon. They will stay with us for a day and then head to Virginia (sniff!)
Even my blogging gets distracted by talking about semi-wedding stuff!

I hate the word SHOULD so I am going to do what I want to do right now.
I am going to get dressed and call some wedding vendors and set up appointments to talk about my book and my wedding coaching service and see where that gets me!

As for the aftermath of a life-altering event, I guess declaring a schedule and getting dressed first would help!
Any other suggestions? Please help!

Forgiveness and apologies

“We must forgive those we feel have wronged us, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don’t want to keep paying for the injustice.”
Quote from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and to the person you are forgiving. If you hold on to a grudge it will eat away at you and your other relationships. Many a family, friendship, and work setting has been torn apart by a grudge. I know from direct experience.

If someone offends you in some way, I'd like you to keep a few things in mind.
*They may not have intended to hurt you.
*There might be information you are not aware of.
*If their offense is connected to a personality trait, (she's always so nosey), it may actually be your interpretation of that trait. Maybe she is just curious, or socially awkward, trying to fit in...
*You can't change another person, you can only change what you think and what you do about it.

Apologies and forgiveness. They go hand in hand. As someone who has a hard time with apologies, I will admit I had a hard time forgiving as well. Now I try to offer them up as instantly as I perceive they are needed. We are all human and humans make mistakes. To believe otherwise is foolishness.

So go out there and make amends where ever it is needed. Everyone deserves a second chance. You will feel better, and so will they! That's what peace of mind is all about- to know that you have done everything possible for yourself and others. Let go of that grudge!

My daughter's wedding

After 10 months of planning and a life time of anticipation, my youngest daughter Melissa was married on August 28, 2010. It was a beautiful wedding and we are very happy with her choice for a husband. Chris went to school with Melissa at the University of Mary Washington and they have known each other for 6 years.

I have written all about the wedding prep and wedding day (including pictures) in my other blog. Check it out! www.theempoweredbride.com/blog.


As a coach, I'd like to say that my daughter and I did everything right. It was my third try at being Mother of...and things got better each time. We talked about things ahead of time, we planned together as a team, we were honest about our feelings after missteps were taken (only a few), and we were able to share this whole process with my other daughter Christine (a truly amazing wedding planner).
If we had the chance to do it all over again, I don't know what we would change (besides a few minor details) because honestly, it was picture perfect.


The mother-daughter relationship is a very special bond. When it's right it adds such pleasure to your life. I am blessed to say I have that with both my daughters. Our relationship will be in transition for a while as she settles into the new role of wife, not to mention settling into her new home in VA with her husband Chris.

Wow! My children are all married. And now I am officially in an empty nest. I guess it's time for me to ramp up my connection with my husband Steve! We are taking a long-overdue trip for our 30th wedding anniversary to Rome and a cruise in the Mediterranean.

As for my professional life, I am coaching, networking, and doing presentations on a number of subjects. I am also working on a book called The Empowered Bride. Next will be something for The Mother of the Bride. After 3 children getting married in just over 3 years, I have much insight to share and want to fill the void of relationship knowledge in the midst of planning a wedding.

Here's to Melissa and Chris, the newlyweds, and the life they will share together.

I finally did it!

I am a life coach. With that comes the responsibility of doing the things I encourage my clients to do- like de-clutter or get my house in order. De-cluttering has always been a problem of mine. I get attached to things, I save too much, I don't take the time to set up a system or put things away or file for that matter. Then after things pile up, I get frustrated and try to tackle it.

For the last 15 months it has been my goal to clean up my bedroom. I moved here 4 years ago and still hadn't put everything away. I was almost done last summer when I stopped short of completion. What was left was the 3 boxes of papers that needed sorting, thinning out, or filing. The desk had a layer of old bills and notes about this and that. My dresser had piles of winter socks and assorted small items. My side of the bathroom vanity was piled high with makeup, hair products and jewelry.

This year I've been motivated by the fact that my daughter is getting married and the photographer will be taking pictures upstairs- Melissa getting ready, Melissa and her bridal party, Melissa and her proud mom, whatever!

So yesterday, after talking with MY life coach (yes I have a coach too)about why I've been resisting the final push, I set up a schedule and did it! I stayed focused on the task. I resisted my computer, the phone, the to-do list,the refrigerator and my dog. Now the taxes are all filed, the papers are put away, and donations are in a bag heading to Goodwill. I even tackled the master bath. Toiletries are thinned out and shelved, and the jewelry is organized.

I am quite proud of myself. When I woke up this morning, I no longer had to look at a messy desk or bookshelf, cluttered corners or a messy bathroom. I could open my eyes and enjoy what I was seeing! The wedding is 10 days away and I am ready. Woo Hoo!